August 5, 2008

I
have a cousin with whom I am very close. He recently proposed to his
girlfriend. I have several issues with this, but the most important one is the
fact that EVERYONE who meets this young man thinks he's gay. (I don't know how
the girlfriend hasn't seen it.) When I told my friends he was engaged, their
jaws dropped. Everyone said, "But he's gay!" He's admitted to me that he did
"play for the other team" in college, and every once in a while, he mentions
that he has a "man crush" on so-and-so. I've been out with him, and gay men
will comment on how handsome he is, how they're sure he's gay, etc. I love him
to death, and I don't care one bit that he may be gay.

I'm
curious what you think. Was "playing for the other team" just a phase? I don't
think so. Unfortunately, I think he's just trying to "fit in." My brother and I
think he will end up getting divorced or be completely miserable for the rest
of his life. This is his first serious girlfriend, and the first girl he's
lived with. Should I take my boyfriend's advice and just butt out? Thanks.

A
Concerned Kousin

Yes,
yes: Butt the fuck out—right after you speak your piece to your cousin,
and right after you've slipped his fiancée the URL for the Straight Spouse
Network's website (straightspouse.org) and copies of former New Jersey governor
Jim "I'm a Batshitcrazy Gay American" McGreevey and his ex-wife's dueling
memoirs.

As
for "playing for the other team" at college, ACK, that can indeed be just a
phase—but for women, not men. Heterosexual and homosexual women, if legit
scientific research is to be believed, "tend to become sexually aroused by both
male and female erotica, and, thus, have a bisexual arousal pattern," according
to the results of 2003 study conducted at LUG-infested Northwestern University.
Men, on the other hand, prefer erotica that plays exclusively to their
professed sexual orientation. Which means, of course, that female sexuality is
a fluid and male sexuality is a solid. Or something.

And
ladies? Pointing out your fluid sexuality isn't an insult. It's a compliment—hell, it's a freakin' superpower.

As
for the girlfriend's inability to "see it," there's always a chance that she
has seen it, ACK, really
seen it. We do have to entertain the possibility that the girlfriend has seen
her fiancé, your cousin, with a cock in his mouth and dug it. There's a chance
she could be one of those women who likes gay porn so much that marrying a
mostly gay or even an entirely gay person represents the fulfillment of a
dream.

Oh,
and speaking of the mostly gays…

Researchers
at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston claim to have found the
"Achilles' heel" of the virus that causes AIDS. Their discovery could lead to
new and more effective drugs and treatments.

Or,
you know, not.

We've
been down this road before—HIV's Achilles' heel located, targeted, hopes
raised, and then… it's back to the ol' drawing board. So let's not run out and
stick our asses in the air just yet, boys. And remember: Even if we do one day
have a vaccine or a cure for HIV, re-creating the gay communal-sewer sex
culture of the 1970s is a Very Bad Idea. One important take-away lesson—one of the top
lessons—of the AIDS epidemic should be this: Given the right conditions,
new sexually transmitted infections can emerge and kill you and all your
friends.

Remember,
kids: Straight people should have more sex (and more sex partners) than they do; gay people should have less sex (and
fewer sex partners) than we can.
Balance, balance, balance—oh, and anal sex is not a first-date activity;
use condoms for anal sex with casual partners to protect yourself from HIV and
other STIs, known and
unknown; and lower your inhibitions the old-fashioned way (therapy and beer),
and stay the fuck away from meth and meth users.

I
put a profile on an online dating site some time ago when my job moved me to
Florida and I didn't know anybody down here, but I soon forgot about it.
Recently, a girl contacted me via that old personal ad, we exchanged pictures,
and she told me she was overweight. In the pictures, she didn't look that big,
and I chalked her comments up to female insecurity. Less than an hour ago, we
met for the first time, and she was huge. I told her as politely as possible
that I felt her pictures were misleading, that she was bigger than I expected, and
that I didn't think it would work. I felt (and still feel) like total shit.

Dan,
help me. Am I a bad person for this? I want to go slam my head in a car door!

Fretting
About Traumatic Situation Obsessively

Sending
out misleading photos is a no-no, FATSO, precisely because it leads to hurt
feelings on all sides. Misleading photos are unfair to the person
misled—it places the person in an awkward position—and sets the
sender up for emotionally devastating rejections.

So
long as you were polite and direct—and I'm taking your word for that,
FATSO—you're not a bad person even if her feelings were hurt. There are
men out there who are open to big women, or into big women—the bigger the
better—and she can avoid hurt feelings in the future by e-mailing
accurate photos, and attracting the attention of men who actually find her
attractive.

A
Note to My Readers: Half the mail at Savage Love HQ now arrives with qualifiers like this
one: "I'd appreciate receiving your advice via e-mail. Please do not print this
in your column. Thanks. :)"

The
person who wrote the above at least had the decency to include it at the start
of his letter. (And the indecency to use an emoticon.) It's extremely annoying
to read a long, involved letter about a fucked-up, complicated problem
and—after composing a little advice in my head, or looking up some stuff,
or sending a query to the appropriate expert—stumble across a "don't
print this!" in a P.S.

I
don't mean to be bitchy (that comes naturally), and I frequently write folks
back who ask for a little private advice, but come on, people. I'm an advice columnist, not a therapist in private practice. My
e-mail address is at the bottom of the column to solicit questions for future
columns, not because I need something to do in my nonexistent free time.

Sometimes
I do feel an urge to offer advice to fuck-ups with messy personal lives outside
of the context of the column or the podcast. But that's what family reunions
are for. But what the hell:

Confidential
to Rick in Austin: It is indeed rare for two men to meet and fall in love while
each is banging half of a pair of male twins. (Or were you sleeping with two
different pairs of twins who shared an apartment when you took that fateful
trip to the bathroom? It's unclear from your letter.) And, no, having a Hare
Krishna brother shouldn't impact your love life, karma-wise, any more than
having an English professor brother has impacted mine,
classics-of-American-literature-wise. You're welcome.

Download
the Savage Lovecast (my
weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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