Did you know that you're not #1 unless you're #1 on Billboard? Well, I do, especially after hearing that phrase at least 28 times during last night's Billboard Music Awards. But, evidently, selling millions of albums to become #1 on Billboard isn't prize enough, hence an entire awards show on Fox with more appearances by Nickelback than a Nickelback concert. The best part, by far, of the Billboard Music Awards was the fact that it was live! You know, so anything can happen! Zaniness is always just around the corner like a man with a knife waiting to stab you till it hurts so bad you laugh! What? Yes. The problem is nothing happens. Ever. Except that your mind begins to fill with dozens and dozens of questions: Look, is that Howie Mandel and Flava Flav presenting an award together? How come? Why is Denise Richards introducing Gwen Stefani? Was it really necessary to have Kid Rock, ZZ Top, and Nickelback perform together? Doesn't everyone already know who sold the most albums this year? Who are those guys supporting Paula Abdul at the podium? Did they just ad-lib something about stuffing a sausage in a stocking? Yes. Yes they did:

I love this clip because it shows just how relevant and with-it the Billboard Music Awards are: The nominees names are spray-painted on the screen (a device not seen since the opening credits of In Living Color), and instead of an envelope, the presenters open CD cases! So clever. And so, to sum up, here's a clip of Janet Jackson tweaking her nipples and whispering over a backing track that sounds like someone leaned against a keyboard when it was in sound effects mode:

Did anyone else watch this?