Bald actor Vin Diesel to star in bald cop Kojak movie

By Sean O'Neal | December 17, 2012 | 7:02pm

Aux Features TV

Universal has begun ramping up plans to develop a big-screen adaptation of Kojak, the 1970s detective show in which Telly Savalas solved some of Manhattan's grittiest urban crimes with the help of his giant bald head, which glowed whenever a perp lied. Naturally, because we stupidly suggested in our 2005 review of the Kojak box set that Telly Savalas was "sort of the Vin Diesel of his day," because our industry influence is unfaltering, and because Vin Diesel is also a bald man, Vin Diesel is set to produce and star in this updated version from Skyfall writers Neal Purvis and Robert Wade, who will tailor the new Kojak to Vin Diesel's particular skills in being tough while also being bald.

Beyond the baldness, of course, little is known about what will be done to modernize Kojak, or why this is a thing they're doing at all, besides the opportunity to make a trailer that ends with Vin Diesel saying, "Who loves ya, baby?" and everyone of a certain age agreeing that this is something they sort of remember. Though, perhaps the new Kojak will suck on lollipops made of lasers, and then maybe his lollipop bounces lasers off of Kojak's bald head. Modern-day perps will never see that coming.