After so many years of suffering the paychecks and prestige that comes with playing Batman, Ben Affleck has now confirmed he’s finally free from his personal dark knight of the soul. No longer will he need to scowl through Justice League or Suicide Squad movies. No longer will he have to endure having kohl rubbed onto the areas around his eyes. He’s put all that behind him.
To celebrate this momentous occasion, Affleck appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! to send off his costume in the most Batman-appropriate way possible: casting it to the shadows of the late night set’s rafters. First, however, he took a moment to explain his inability to make a real impact on the DC universe.
“I tried to direct a version of it and worked with a really good screenwriter but just couldn’t come up with a version,” Affleck said. “I couldn’t crack it and so I thought it’s time for someone else to take a shot at it. They got some really good people so I’m excited.”
The ceremony was conducted by Kimmel mainstay Guillermo who, dressed in the short shorts and yellow cape of “Robert,” hooked a cape emblazoned with “Batfleck” and a number 12 to a pulley. Regarding the number, Affleck explained, “That’s Brady’s number. You can’t be a hero unless you’re wearing number 12.” Okay, buddy.
Asked if he had any commemorative words, Affleck conjured up the same wild enthusiasm he’s always brought to the role, muttering, “I don’t know. I guess, uh, I’m not Batman?”
The cape was then hoisted upward to its final resting place. There it will remain, gazing down upon Kimmel in eternal vigilance. Empty of any human presence, content merely to exist as a space-filling superhero icon, the discarded, soon-to-be very dusty suit is the legacy Batfleck deserves.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com