Next year, when VH1 calls you to be a talking head on I Love The Aughts (Chris Jericho was busy, and you're their Chris Jericho back-up. Weird, right? What could Chris Jericho possibly be doing?), they'll say, "You just have to talk some of the big pop cultural ephemera of '09. Like, you know, the Evian rollerbabies, Domino's pasta bread bowls, Bagg'ns…" And you'll sigh wistfully and think back, way back, to July of 2009 when you caught your first breathtaking glimpse of the double-waisted jeans of the future, Bagg'ns. You'll think about how much those jeans changed the way you thought about fashion, and about life. Your puggle, Bagg'ns II (you named him after your favorite jeans) will scamper into the living room and sit at your feet, and you'll feel tears start to well in your eyes. How can you make fun of Bagg'ns after all the joy they've brought to you over the year?
Then you'll stand-up, thread your "good luck" belt through the top waistband of your grey Bagg'ns, thread your "special occasion" belt through the bottom waistband, and say, "No, VH1. I won't disparage Bagg'ns just for your amusement. Bagg'ns saved me. They saved all of us. Because of Bagg'ns I learned to sag respectfully and responsibly." Then you'll hang up the phone, go to your desk and order five more pairs of Bagg'ns online because, yes, they are that good:
Yes. Bagg'ns are a pair of jeans with two, count them, two waistbands, to give you that saggy pants look, but without the risk of showing your underwear—which is probably the entire point of wearing your pants low. They're the creation of a 56-year-old St. Louis mother who really, really hates seeing people's underwear.
I hope that Bagg'ns can actually help raise the consciousness of people who sag for that purpose. It's about self-respect as much as it is respecting others. What are they saying now with the way they wear their pants? "F—- you?"
Hmm. Maybe. Although they're still kinda saying that when they wear Bagg'ns. Although when they wear Bagg'ns they can also say: "I don't own a mirror." Or "I'm wearing two pairs of pants for some reason." It's a similar message to the one people make when they wear those tuxedo shirts ("I don't own a mirror." Or "I think I'm hilarious.").
In case you're wondering, yes, there are Bagg'ns shorts.
There's also a poets corner:
But, strangely, the poem featured is not about Bagg'ns. So I wrote a haiku called "The Ballad Of Bagg'ns":
Two waistbands on one
pair of jeans makes the sagging