Bryan Cranston and Elizabeth Olsen to play yet more non-Godzilla roles in Godzilla

Continuing the slow rehabilitation of the Godzilla reboot’s all-important credibility, the Gareth Edwards-directed, Frank Darabont-polished film has extended offers to critical favorites Elizabeth Olsen and Bryan Cranston, who could add the dramatic performances that will alleviate the tedium of watching a huge lizard crush a city. According to Variety, Olsen has been “on the lookout for a franchise pic” to graduate to, considering both the Captain America sequel and Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles the way a doctoral candidate considers becoming an auto show model. Cranston, meanwhile, continues to accept just about everything he is offered, as part of his generous campaign to make even the dullest films briefly interesting by reminding viewers of Breaking Bad.

As with Aaron Johnson’s vaguely defined “male lead” role, neither Olsen’s nor Cranston’s characters have descriptions yet, meaning you can still pretend that they’re going to be monsters, if that sort of thing entertains you. “I am Martha Marcy May Marlene Mothra!” Olsen will screech, as she bears down on a shrieking Japanese populace. “I am the one who knocks… over buildings, with my giant mechanical lizard tail!” Cranston’s MechaGodzilla will bellow.

And that’s how we’ll all get through this latest Godzilla news, along with the obligatory video of Puff Daddy’s “Come With Me.” Speaking of which, did we ever figure out why, if Puff Daddy is supposed to be rapping from Godzilla’s point of view, Godzilla is so concerned about being “wiretapped”? When does Godzilla ever make a phone call anyway? Also, why would Godzilla be bragging that women find his destructive tendencies “seductive?” Are women seriously romantically interested in Godzilla? Let’s give it another listen. We’ll crack this song yet.