Many know that Chubby Checker is an American singer-songwriter famous for popularizing “The Twist” in the early 1960s, but few know that Checker is also capable of estimating a man’s penis length based on his shoe size—primarily because it’s not true. That confusion persists, however, due to the release of “The Chubby Checker,” an app designed by Hewlett-Packard subsidiary Palm, Inc. that did not score a record-setting five albums in the Top 12 simultaneously, but rather offered to help ladies assessing new romantic partners who were “wondering what the size of there [sic] member is.” Using said partners’ shoe size, The Chubby Checker estimates penis length in both metric and imperial measurements, as opposed to signing to Cameo-Parkway Records and releasing a string of records that captured the carefree spirit of sock-hop-era America. (That was the other Chubby Checker.)
Checker—who delighted audiences young and old alike with his singles based around the Twist dance craze, a time during he which he was definitely not also assessing the lengths of their penises—is suing Hewlett-Packard over the unpopular (at a mere 84 downloads), long-since-removed app, claiming it has done “irreparable damage and harm” to his name, forever ensuring that people will associate it with “the obscene sexual connotation and images” of men’s erect penises, rather than lighthearted, up-tempo R&B music.
“This lawsuit is about preserving the integrity and legacy of a man who has spent years working hard at his musical craft and has earned the position of one of the greatest musical entertainers of all time,” said lawyer Willie Gary of Chubby Checker, who has toiled for over half a century to ensure that he is known primarily for “The Twist” and not for measuring penises. Should they succeed, no one will hear the name “Chubby” and think of penises ever again.