Coolio Mixed Martial Art match cancelled due to yawning indifference of an apathetic universe

By Nathan Rabin | December 14, 2009 | 8:28pm

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Ever since DMX pulled out of a sketchy-sounding mixed martial arts match in Alabama, fans wondered what hip hop luminary would take his place and bring the pain to fighter Erik Martinez. Somehow Coolio managed to find time in his busy schedule of re-watching the video for "Fantastic Voyage" on a constant loop and weeping uncontrollably to step up to the challenge.

Now, in a shocking turn of events the match has been called off due to low ticket sales. We're just as surprised as you are. Will this cursed Mixed Martial Arts match of the damned ever actually happen? We don't know, yet we remain, as always, cautiously optimistic.