Daddy issues in this week’s Savage Love

My father is 65 years old and has been a devoted husband to my mother who has been battling a medical condition for the past 30 years—a condition that prevents her from engaging in sexual activity of any kind. He has not had sex in all this time and is desperately frustrated. He’s not Internet savvy—quite the opposite—and has taken to calling me across the continent from Michigan to ask for my help in getting him laid. At first, I just thought it was gross. But now, a couple of years and awkward conversations later, I wish I had some good advice for him—if only so that we never have to speak of this again. Is there a way that a man (once again, not Internet savvy—it’s impossible to emphasize that point too much) can legally find someone to have sex with in Michigan? I will read your answer to him over the phone.
The Good Son

“It’s awesome that TGS has gotten over his initial squick and is stepping up to help his dad,” said Savannah Sly, a “professional fantasy fulfiller” and a sex workers’ rights activist with the Sex Workers Outreach Project. “His dad will have the best success by hooking up with an escort. Escorting is not technically illegal, as the money paid is for time and companionship only—and anything that happens sexually is a decision made by two consenting adults.”

Sly recommends finding an independent provider whose website doesn’t use sexually explicit language and specifically states that payment is for companionship only. But Dad can’t look at websites—or Dad can’t be trusted to look at websites—so Sly suggests that you do the looking for Dad.

“TGS could visit these sites and print out the advertisements of escorts in his dad’s area who have phone numbers: Eros.com and Michigan Escort Services,” said Sly. “Dad can look at the ads and then call a provider himself to arrange an appointment. TGS should let his dad know that some escorts will not see gentlemen who are new to the hobby. Everyone has their own methods of screening clients, and TGS’s dad should comply with the safety-screening standards of whomever he chooses to call. This is for the safety of the provider and her clients.”

Is there a way for your dad—or for you—to do a safety screening of your own? “Some escorts have reviews online,” said Sly, “and reviews are a good way to verify that someone is a provider with a history of being professional and reliable.”

A final thought from Sly: “There is nothing inherently wrong or violent about escorting, but our culture is really screwed up about sexuality and intimacy, and there is a lot of misunderstanding and stigma shrouding the adult industry. If TGS or his dad has cold feet about this, I suggest googling the phrase ‘sex worker.’ Read materials written by people who actually work in the adult industry—they’ll find there are many experiences and perspectives they probably did not know about, and a little reading may allay their apprehensions.” Follow Savannah Sly on Twitter at @SavannahSly.

Is your girlfriend seeing a therapist? Because if she isn’t, LAAP, she should be—and I suspect she isn’t, because you probably would’ve mentioned it.

Horny, 20-year-old boyfriends are wonderful things—I remember what those were like—but a horny, 20-year-old boyfriend (and the sexual hopes, expectations, and pressures that come bundled with one) may not be the best thing for a young woman struggling with body issues and the double head zap of having been both raped and in an emotionally abusive relationship. I don’t think you should dump her because she’s not putting out at the clip you’d like—don’t present it that way, LAAP, because you don’t want her fucking you under duress—but you should have a conversation about what she really wants from you. If she wants a fully intimate relationship, i.e., a romantic connection that’s both emotional and sexual, her inhibitions (her traumas) are preventing her from having that, and you’re right that booze isn’t a realistic long-term fix. And as boozing is as likely to lead to a depressive episode as it is to waken her libido, it’s not a great short-term fix either. But working with a therapist is a realistic fix—a good therapist can help her find the strength inside herself that she’s currently finding in a pitcher of margaritas.

But if all she wants from you is your time, your attention, and your emotional support, LAAP, tell her she can have all of that without the pressure of being your “girlfriend.” The last thing you should want—and the last thing she needs—is for her to be getting strategically drunk so that she can fuck you just enough to keep you by her side. Reassure her that you’ll be at her side whether you’re her boyfriend or not—but say that only if you mean it—and encourage her to get the professional help that she needs.

Thanks for sharing, SACK, but let’s cut this kid some slack: PANICKED’s son may have opened up to Mommy because he was freaked out by his desires and wanted help. And speaking of help, here are two more recommendations from Savage Love readers: Scarleteen, a sex-positive, kink-positive, queer-inclusive sex-ed resource/oasis-of-sanity for teenagers and young adults, and the terrific book When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt.