Ellen DeGeneres is "trying to figure out who I am without my show" in first major appearance since cancellation

What has DeGeneres been up to in the interim? Other than pulling together material for the tour, which will remain in Hollywood through June before traveling to San Diego, Washington State, Oregon, and the Bay Area, she’s apparently been wearing a lot of sweatpants, doing a lot of gardening, and collecting a lot of chickens. “What else can I tell you?” she reportedly mused, before sarcastically answering, “Oh yeah, I got kicked out of show business.”

“For those of you keeping score, this is the second time I’ve been kicked out of show business,” DeGeneres said later, referencing her eponymous ‘90s sitcom that was canceled after she came out as gay. “Eventually they’re going to kick me out for a third time because I’m mean, old, and gay.”

Continuing to riff about the “mean” allegations, DeGeneres also joked that she “didn’t know how to be a boss.” “I didn’t go to business school. I went to Charlie’s Chuckle Hutt,” she said. “The show was called Ellen and everybody was wearing T-shirts that said ‘Ellen’ and there were buildings on the Warner Brothers lot that said ‘Ellen,’ but I don’t know that that meant I should be in charge.”

On a more serious note, the host also said that the controversy has “been such a toll on my ego and my self-esteem.” The backlash was “so hurtful,” she said during a Q&A portion at the end of the show. “I couldn’t gain perspective. I couldn’t do anything to make myself understand that it wasn’t personal… I just thought, ‘Well this is not the way I wanted to end my career, but this is the way it’s ending.’” During a different segment, she also drew parallels between her experience and her mother’s growing dementia: “Now my mother doesn’t know she’s my mother and I’m trying to figure out who I am without my show.”

While some of this feels like a bit of a deflection when seen purely in text (“I don’t know who wronged me. I don’t even know who these people are, so I can’t seek revenge,” she said at one point), it’s obviously hard to capture specific comedic inflection—especially from someone so wry—without seeing it in person or on-screen. Luckily, fans and former admirers will be able to judge for themselves soon; DeGeneres also announced that the show would be taped for a Netflix special this fall. In the meantime, both DeGeneres and the rest of the entertainment industry have some tough questions to ask themselves about her place in the culture moving forward.