Fine, let's baselessly over-analyze these Snyder Cut chapter titles
Gird those loins, folks: We are now 15 mere mortal days away from the release of Zack Snyder’s Justice League, the film that will finally give fans of superhero movies exactly what they’ve always said they wanted, thus freeing our planet from their collective sense of wrath and entitlement, permanently, and probably winning Snyder a Nobel Peace Prize in the process. HBO Max, the company attempting to ride this bucking bronco of digital grassroots ire, has continued to stoke anticipation for the film—which, today, means that the company has released the chapter titles for Snyder’s epic, because god knows you can’t make a four-hour superhero movie without cutting it into pithily titled chapters. (To be clear, all chapters will be released as the single four-hour movie.)
In fact, Justice League will be cut into six chapters, and—having already gotten our affairs in order ahead of the planetary re-alignment heralded by the film’s long-anticipated re-release—we figured he’d do a little good old fashioned baseless speculation about what each of these demarcations could possibly mean.
Chapter One: “Don’t Count On It, Batman”
Now, a simple A to B read of the text would suggest that this is largely centered on the opening portions of the 2017 Justice League, in which Arthur “Aquaman” Curry says this exact line to Bruce Wayne when turning down his offer to be one of his “warriors”. But given Snyder’s noted disdain for Joss Whedon’s version of the movie, and love for including extra bonus villains in this new version, we can only assume this chapter will instead include, and focus on, an appearance from classic Batman villain Calculator (don’t count on it, see), possibly dressed up like John The Baptist.
Chapter Two: The Age Of Heroes
A literal reading might suggest that this section will re-hash some of the backstory sections from the original spin of Justice League, showing the ancient battles between aliens, Olympians, Atlanteans, and Amazons against the film’s big bad, Steppenwolf, who wants to take them all on a magic carpet ride straight to hell. The new version, meanwhile—we’re guessing—will be 40 minutes of the film’s heroes telling each other their ages as a sort of teambuilding exercise.