Goddamn monkey on the TV earns more money than most of us will ever see in our stupid monkey lives

By Sean O'Neal | August 8, 2012 | 10:30pm

Aux Features TV

Not content to let Forbes have the final word on television's highest-paid performers, just because it went to, like, money school, TV Guide has compiled its own list of those who have earned the most over the past season. And in addition to confirming the L.A. Times' recent report that Judge Judy earns a surprising amount to be so impatient (at $45 million a year), and other things we knew already, such as that the Modern Family cast was making way more than just about anybody else even before their huge raises, we actually learned something we did not know—specifically that occasional Community co-star Crystal The Monkey will earn $12,000 per episode for her upcoming role on NBC's Animal Practice, which hasn't even premiered yet.

That means that the capuchin monkey—who presumably also earns royalties for her roles in films like Night At The Museum and The Hangover Part II, and is a goddamn monkey—stands to collect around $264,000 should the series get a full, 22-episode season, or just enough to take all the fun out of saying "Annie's Boobs made $264,000 last year." Granted, we're all goddamn monkeys deep down, but this goddamn monkey has already made more money than most of us will ever see, all because we chose to put on clothes and not fling our feces on things. So, that was a mistake.