Society implodes at the very suggestion of unsexy M&M's

A missive to the CEO of Mars, Incorporated: Stop body-shaming the green M&M!

By Andrew Paul  |  January 21, 2022 | 3:03pm
Aux Features M&M's
Society implodes at the very suggestion of unsexy M&M's
Let the Green M&M’s freak flag fly, cowards. Image: Mars, Incorporated

They slut-shamed the green M&M yesterday.

In arguably the most painful corporate rebranding since class warfare killed Mr. Peanut, the candy prudes at Mars, Incorporated, announced on Thursday their long-running M&M’s mascots were getting an update to highlight their “nuanced personalities,” citing the company’s “global commitment to creating a world where everyone feels they belong and society is inclusive.” One of the key changes to represent this important paradigm shift: making the green one less of a freak-ass sexpot by replacing her knee-high go-go boots with white sneakers.

The other “female” M&M (the brown one) also got a foot do-over, because apparently that’s what PR marketers are into these days.

The mascots’ redesigned promo page includes focus-grouped fake Q&As with the candies, as well, because we haven’t suffered enough. “I think we all win when we see more women in leading roles, so I’m happy to take on the part of supportive friend when they succeed,” says the green M&M.

Society, it should be noted, is not amused by the corporate decision to un-sexy our milk chocolate candy pebbles.

Not to analyze this too much, but tonally, the marketing move is all over the place. On the one hand, we’ve got a candy company desperate to capitalize on progressive cultural shifts and “wokeness.” On the other hand, we’ve got the insinuation that it’s just best for everyone if an anthropomorphized M&M makes peace with her past as a woman of the night.

“Any past transgressions that still haunt you?” she is “asked” on the website, because God is dead. Her proud, honest answer? “Nothing ‘haunts’ me. My motto is ‘live and learn and move on.’”

We have no segue to offer for that, so instead let us remind everyone of this 2001 ad in which a Hollywood stagehand accidentally intrudes on a naked green M&M, then proceeds to walk away with a boner while announcing his plans to presumably jerk off to a bag of candy.

Truly, we as a nation have come so far.

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