There's been a lot of talk lately about Paris Hilton's new album maybe not being as bad as people think it's going to be. Well, maybe not a LOT of talk. Ok, there was one article in the LA Times. Anyway, it doesn't matter how many people are talking about it, the notion that Paris Hilton doesn't suck at something is very, very worrisome. Not just to me, but to our entire culture. Paris is the bottom, the sucking void of, well, suckiness. If she does something even halfway decent, that will throw the whole scale off: The annoying gauge will be totally skewed, nothing will be worth anything, and a giant black hole of meaninglessness will open up where art used to be. Also, Paris will get more money. After contempating such a scenario, imagine how happy I was to discover that Paris does, indeed, suck musically. And in every other way. Here's the proof: Behold, Paris singing Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner (who turned 167 over the weekend).

We can all breathe a sigh of relief.