Hulk Hogan would like Chris Hemsworth to play him, as reported in news story where we'd like Pierce Brosnan to play us

By Sean O'Neal | August 20, 2013 | 7:14pm

Aux Features Film

In a news update in which we will be portrayed by Remington Steele-era Pierce Brosnan, because that’s what we would like, we handsomely report that devilish old chap Hulk Hogan has let it be known that Chris Hemsworth should play him in a biopic about his rather tumultuous life. The news—delivered to Canada’s Cape Breton Post, then passed along by us while looking quite dashing in our impeccably tailored suit—emerged after Hogan recently admitted offhandedly to TMZ that a film about his life was “already in development, brother,” in his charming idiom. Mr. Hogan then added that his son Nick would be “perfect” for the lead role, in that roguish, ruffian’s way he has. But after following up with Mr. Hogan, while we sat miles away in an Aspen ski lodge, coolly lighting the cigarette of a blonde femme fatale, Hogan admitted the project may call for “a serious, serious actor that knows what he’s doing,” before seriously calling for “That guy that did that action movie, Thor.”

It is here we remind, as we adjust our perfectly pressed pocket square, that a movie where Chris Hemsworth plays Hulk Hogan—much like so many other of Mr. Hogan’s major forays onto the big screen—for the moment exists solely in Mr. Hogan’s prodigious imagination, as well as in the four-page treatment he says has been scripted by two “hot young writers” in Los Angeles, with no further elaboration apparently necessary. Indeed, we dare say the entire concept is currently as thin as this fitted Brooks Brothers shirt that we have just now opened rakishly over our perfectly groomed chest hair, as a means of caddishly romancing a 1982-era Stephanie Zimbalist.