Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch

Sadness is all around us. This is Jessica Simpson's fault. She is a walking lacrimal gland, the font from which of all the world's tears spring, a (semi) conscious cloud of despair—yes, all sadness stems from Jessica Simpson.

So what is making Jessica Simpson sad today—thus causing a deep depression that will ripple across the globe, growing ever stronger with each passing day, until Jessica finds something new to be sad about? Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch is here once again to find out!


Q: What's making Jessica sad today?

Illustration for article titled Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch

A: Dental hygiene and normal life.

During an episode of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" set to air Wednesday, the bubbly blond singer admitted that she doesn't always brush her teeth.

"Well, not all the time," Simpson, 29, said. "Maybe three times a week." In an attempt to explain her lack of hygiene, Simpson said she skips the recommended daily brushings "because my teeth are so white and I don't like them to feel too slippery, but I do use Listerine and I do floss every day. But I don't brush them every day."

"My lips just slide all over the place … I can't catch up with my mouth," she added. "I need a little coating …"

Instead of a typical toothbrush and toothpaste, Simpson opts to "use a shirt or something" to scrub her pearly whites clean.

"I'm single," she said. "But I'm out mingling around."

"I mingle around very privately. I have ways in and out of my house and certain places that I go that are private just so I can have a normal life. I'm still out there and bring normal," she said.

If you guessed the Human Centipede trailer, thinking about how those those well-preserved "bog men" ended up at the bottom of those bogs, frosted lipstick, toad races, people who bet on toad races, the haunting melancholy of Arthur Alexander's voice, old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries, boarded-up abandoned Circuit Cities, or off-brand Cream Of Wheat—better luck next time!