Warrior poet and American athletic icon Joey “Jaws” Chestnut has once again shown the world that he is not to be messed with. In past years, he’s been content to intimidate pigs, cows, chickens, and, presumably, raccoon anuses through heroic displays of processed meat devouring at the annual July 4th weekend Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest.
This year, while defending the championship title, Chestnut branched out a bit further to demonstrate that it’s not just slaughterhouse refuse that falls before him, but also any distraction that might arise from an injured leg, COVID recovery, or animal rights protesters.
The first two entries to the above list were immediately conquered by Chestnut as he emerged onto the field of meat battle on a pair of crutches, resolute in purpose despite a leg injury and recent bout with COVID. After being raised up both metaphorically and literally with help from the Nathan’s announcer and a rising platform, Chestnut looked upon his domain, raised a fist, and set out to show his subjects why he still deserves to be hailed as the reigning King Of Emulsified Animal Leftovers.
The first drips of hot pig juice had hardly cooled on his lips when a protester ran out onto the stage wearing a Darth Vader mask and holding a sign that read, “EXPOSE SMITHFIELD’S DEATH STAR.”
Chestnut, blood fired with the salted ghosts of so many dead animals, had no time for the protester’s attempt to call factory farming and the celebration of its results into question. The hot dog champ grabbed the protester in a chokehold, dropped them to the ground, and, untroubled by this act of rebellion, immediately began stuffing more wet meat tubes into his insatiable maw.
In the end, Chestnut won the contest by hammering down a total of 63 wieners in 10 minutes. This number falls short of the record he set last year—76 dogs swallowed—but it’s still a stellar example of what one man can do with only grit, determination, and a refusal to entertain complaints about industrial meat farming driving him forward.
No greater celebration of American might exists than this display of power. As the empire cracks, Chestnut remains unbreakable. As the very Earth itself buckles under our weight, he stands tall. His vision is clear and his purpose is never in doubt. Every problem is a hot dog. The only solution is to eat it.
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