Juan Pablo puts a ring on it

By Sonia Saraiya  |  March 10, 2014 | 5:00am
TV Features TV

Here’s what’s up in the world of television for Monday, March 10. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICK
The Bachelor (ABC, 8 p.m.): Our long national nightmare is over, at least for the next month or so—Juan Pablo and the 18th season of The Bachelor release their hold on us tonight. Unfortunately, that is because Juan Pablo will then sink his teeth into either Nikki or Clare, two unsuspecting women who came on a television show looking for a soulmate. Their national nightmare is just beginning. Claire had an early lead with all that ocean sex, and that deleted scene with the suggested wedding song might be a sure sign Clare is going to win. [Or a feint to distract us from Nikki’s success! ONLY TIME (and ratings) WILL TELL.] We’re not covering this, because Juan Pablo is a name we’d rather forget as soon as possible. We’d rather Clare and Sharleen hooked up and ditched Juan Pablo for the nearest tropical resort. But that’s why they don’t let us write about The Bachelor anymore—too much slashfic.

ALSO NOTED
Regular Show (Cartoon Network, 7:30 p.m.): We’re tickled because Regular Show is doing an honest-to-goodness Daylight Saving Time-themed episode—Mordecai and Rigby have to change all the clocks in the park. Alasdair Wilkins will only begin to observe Daylight Saving Time when the park does, too.

Believe (NBC, 10 p.m.): And tonight is the series premiere of the much-promoed new NBC drama, Believe—which has Alfonso Cuáron at the helm! Good, right? Not really! Brandon Nowalk reviewed the pilot for us pre-air, and he thinks it’s not good yet, but could be, ONLY IF YOU BELIEEEEVE! Read his review (AND BELIEVEEEEE) here.

Rick And Morty (Adult Swim, 10:30 p.m.): Back after a long hiatus is Dan Harmon’s animated spectacular, featuring a hapless kid and his alcoholic grandpa. Now that Zack Handlen has caught up on the first few reviews we missed, it’s time to embrace Snuffles and his missing testicles with equal fervor. AVE ATQUE VALE. HAIL, AND FAREWELL.

REGULAR COVERAGE
Adventure Time (Cartoon Network, 7 p.m.)
Switched At Birth (ABC Family, 8 p.m.)
RuPaul’s Drag Race (LOGO, 8 p.m.)
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.)
The Following (Fox, 9 p.m.)
Bates Motel (A&E, 9 p.m.)
Mom (CBS, 9:30 p.m.)
Archer (FX, 10 p.m.)
Teen Wolf (MTV, 10 p.m.)

ELSEWHERE IN TV CLUB
Todd VanDerWerff delved into the ’60s sitcom He & She for One-Season Wonders, Weirdos, And Wannabes. It was a show ahead of its time; looking back, it’s easy to see both why it failed and also how enormously influential it would prove to be. He & She laid the foundation for The Mary Tyler Moore Show, but the network didn’t always know what to do with the show. As Todd observes:

It wasn’t as if CBS had a huge number of open timeslots conducive to a witty, urban drama about two young married people who were very obviously having copious amounts of sex (and having a great time with it to boot).

WHAT ELSE IS ON?
Bones (Fox, 8 p.m.): This show, which was just renewed for a 10th (?!) season, is debuting in its new timeslot tonight, after languishing in Fridays for a bit. Is there some kind of planned synergy—or, God forbid, a crossover being plotted between this and The Following? BEELEIEEEEVEEEEEEE!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills (Bravo, 9 p.m.): We are pretty sure we have written about the finale of this show already, and also sure that we will feature it again in the future. But some type of finale for RHOBH is happening tonight—and then there will be a three-part, three-hour reunion that will rehash all the drama of the finale. And then we’ll need another reunion special for all the drama after that. And then we’ll all die. Time is a flat circle. BELIEEEEEEEEEVEEE

Top Gear (BBC America, 8:30 p.m.): Richard tests out a Porsche hybrid sports car in Abu Dhabi, and Aaron Paul sits in, and thinks about, the Reasonably Priced Car. They are not the same car. Probably. (BEELIEIEIEIVEIVIEIEIVEIEE)

Bates Motel: After Hours (A&E, 11 p.m.): After everyone goes to sleep, Norman Bates plays video games. Norma watches My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. No one is hurt… tonight.

Jaws (AMC, 8 p.m.): Live every week like it’s Shark Week by watching this movie tonight. Also don’t wear jewelry in the ocean, or douse yourself in fishblood, because we imagine that also draws sharks. Also don’t play that music. When that music starts you just know something bad is going to happen.

Legally Blonde (Oxygen, 8 p.m.): Exercise makes endorphins. And endorphins make you happy! And happy people just don’t kill their husbands.

WWE Raw (USA, 8 p.m.): John Cena returns, as does The Authority. And Undertaker returns to hunt down Brock Lesnar. BELIEVE!

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Cosmos: John Teti took a look at this new, Neil DeGrasse Tyson-helmed look into the unknown vastness of the spacetime abyss. The abyss, as it turned out, stared back.

 
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