Within the space of a week, we’ve gained and lost the possibility of witnessing the fight of the century. Bieber V. Cruise, which was first suggested by young Justin, was to be a clash between two of the most insufferable celebrities on the planet. Throughout the days that followed Bieber issuing a challenge to an actor 31 years his senior, we were able to imagine one of the stupidest, most ludicrous match-ups in the history of stupid, ludicrous celebrity nonsense.
Now, goddamn it, Bieber has revealed that he, in fact, is the one who is “scared” and “will never live it down” by not moving forward with his plan to beat up—or be beaten up—by a 56-year-old.
In a video posted by TMZ, Bieber stands in the sobering light of day to bashfully say he “was just playing” about the whole MMA match against a much older man thing.
“I don’t know him,” he says to a bunch of paparazzi. “It was just on my mind, I don’t know why. It was just a random tweet. I do that stuff sometimes.”
Having cruelly extinguished the possibility of seeing the world’s foremost Scientologist go up against its leading Chris Brown apologist, Bieber at least painted one more fascinating mental image by saying he’s “pretty sure Tom would ... whup my ass in a fight.”
This is as close as we may ever come to an event that would have pit not only Bieber and Cruise against one another, but Conor McGregor and Mark Walhberg, too. The grandest douchebag melee ever envisioned has been squashed, stamped out just as we all began to envision the glorious spectacle of a bunch of powerful jerks wailing on each other for our entertainment.
Sure, the whole thing would have been a grotesque celebration of rich assholes promoting their careers while reveling in violent bro masculinity of the most hilarious kind, but it was also an opportunity to see something remarkable—a once-in-a-lifetime Asshole Royale that will never be.
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