L.A.’s Staples Center would like to welcome fellow teens to the Crypto.com Arena. Yup, the Staples Center has changed its name to fit with the times. Staples is out and Crypto is in.
Not that the arena, which is located in Downtown Los Angeles and marked “the dawn of a new era of sports-driven displacement and gentrification,” says The Nation, didn’t already have an incredibly tacky and unremarkable title. It’s just that the Crypto.com Arena really put it over the top.
Per The Los Angeles Times, the Singapore cryptocurrency exchange Crypto.com struck a deal with AEG for the naming rights, which will remain in place for the next 20 years. All told, Crypto.com paid more than $700 million for the right to name the home of the L.A. sports teams the Lakers, Clippers, Kings, and Sparks. Still, it will be fun trying to explain what the hell Crypto.com is to future generations living through the climate apocalypse exacerbated by the mining of digital funny money.
“In the next few years, people will look back at this moment as the moment when crypto crossed the chasm into the mainstream,” Crypto.com’s chief executive, Kris Marszalek, told The Times. “This is just such a brilliant move from the guys at AEG, because the next decade belongs to crypto. And this positions L.A. and this particular venue right at the center of it.”
The arena’s new logo, which we assume will be very cool, like the Cybertruck of logos, will be unveiled on Christmas Day and can only be described as one of the downright weirdest Christmas presents the city has ever received. But, of course, the early Christmas present will be listening to your Elon Musk-obsessed male cousins, brothers, or in-laws explain how epic the new name is at Thanksgiving.
The Times offers a look at what wonders await fans at the newly named arena:
Visitors will see one clear change at the entrance to the arena from L.A. Live, adjacent to the statue of Magic Johnson, where 3,300 square feet will become a dedicated Crypto.com “activation space” featuring crypto-centric interactive experiences for sports or music fans. Crypto.com has also signed with the Lakers and Kings as their official crypto partner.
We look forward to the Crypto.com Arena upholding the L.A. Center’s history of gentrification in the name of complete climate collapse. After all, Bitcoin mining uses seven times more energy than Google. It’s a pretty cool move for a city that currently has toxic air (remember last year when the sky was orange), has a massive housing crisis with more than 63,000 people experiencing homelessness, and ranks seventh nationally in income inequality.
Welcome to the Crypto.com Arena, the home of sports.