Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Let’s cast new Cars characters based on the USPS’ goofy new trucks

Illustration for article titled Let’s cast new Cars characters based on the USPS’ goofy new trucks
Screenshot: Disney / YouTube (Fair Use)

Earlier this week, the United States Postal Service announced a new, multi-billion dollar line of “Next Generation Delivery Vehicles,” providing potentially up to 165,000 modernized mail trucks for its updated fleet by 2030. Per the official USPS news release, the NGDVs “will be equipped with either fuel-efficient internal combustion engines or battery electric powertrains and can be retrofitted to keep pace with advances in electric vehicle technologies.” Pretty cool, right? So, what kind of kickass, futuristic mail trolleys can we expect rolling (or, dare we say, flying) across the wide, albeit crumbling, American roadways? Well, let’s have a look, shall we?


Oh. Oh boy. Uh huh. Well, okay. That’s… well, that’s certainly one way to spend our tax dollars. Of course, social media has many thoughts of its own on the new look, but you can find those on your own. What you can’t find anywhere else (that we know of) is some initial thoughts on how this goofy-ass, Pixar-looking clown transport could fit into the Cars universe. Because c’mon. It straight-up looks like something out of a Cars sequel, right?

Wash: Mater’s uppity, Washington D.C. political consultant cousin

Say hello to Wash, kids! This snooty mail cruiser has just been demoted from a cushy Capitol Hill job after he accidentally spilled an oil can on the Speaker of the House, who is a sentient limousine. Newly arrived to Radiator Springs, Wash thinks all country folk are simple-minded bumpkins who believe the demonstrably false QuakerstateAnon conspiracy theory. Mater will certainly have a thing or two to say about that! Paging Zach Woods!

E.V.: The enthusiastically eco-conscious mail cruiser

If Wash doesn’t check all the focus testing boxes, might we suggest E.V., the idealistic, environmentally-aware truck out to change the world one diesel pump at a time. E.V. is hip, energetic, and fun to be around, even though they won’t hesitate to explain in detail to their vehicular pals about the health benefits of giving up a gas-heavy diet. Did someone say Jenny Slate?


Stamp: Covert defense contractor agent and QuakerstateAnon  sympathizer

How about a dose of gritty realism in your Pixar? Alright, kids, get ready to get the wool pulled from your eyes thanks to Stamp, a seemingly innocuous postal truck who is actually on assignment from the actual NGDV makers at Oshkosh Defense, a Wisconsin-based “tactical vehicle manufacturer.” Stamp is a patriot, plain and simple. In fact, he’s so patriotic, he even doesn’t think the current president in the Cars-verse is the real deal! The last president—a broken-down, gold-plated ’80s town car with a shoddy ragtop—never should have left office, if Stamp had any say. And he tried to do, in an automotive insurrection urged on by traitorous members of car congress. (Carngress?) You’ll have to ask Wash about that one. For this iteration… hmmm… say, what’s James Woods up to these days?


Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).