Everybody is going soft on us these days, and it’s goddamn infuriating. Seriously, how are the young boys of America supposed to grow up big, strong, masculine, and repress their emotional communication skills when they’re losing big, beefy role models each and every day? Now, it’s becoming increasingly apparent that they can’t even pretend to be a T-Rex anymore.
Per a report from the quivering liberal elite at the New York Times, the world’s most recognizable and fearsome of dinosaurs probably wasn’t the wantonly vicious, bloodthirsty apex predator we were promised, but instead, some kind of sensitive-gummed, wishy-washy picky eater.
“The jaws of Tyrannosaurus were powerful enough to crush bones. However, in situations where food was plentiful, they may have used their sensitive snouts to eat the more nutritious parts of their prey selectively,” Soichiro Kawabe, paleontologist at Fukui Prefectural University’s Institute of Dinosaur Research and co-author of a new study on the subject, told the NYT. “The diet of Tyrannosaurus may not have been as crude as we imagine,” they added.
Great. Wonderful. What’s the point of having steak knife teeth and a literal lizard brain if you can’t wholly abide by the Jordan Peterson Diet? Apparently, it was potentially a way to better be a parent. “Crocodiles have sensitive snouts, which... also give them such a finely tuned sense of touch that they can carry their young in their mouths without crushing them with their powerful jaws,” explains the article. The paleontologist theorizes that T-Rexes might have done the same. And, as you are well aware of by now: being a dad is very not masculine. Not in the slightest.
Well, you know what have to say to the woke police coming for the dinosaurs? Make the T-Rex a sensitive picky eater beta male in Jurassic Park: Dominion, you cowards. Go on. See how the public reacts to the king of dinos chomping off only people’s heads, then carrying around tiny T-Rex babies in its jaws before spitting them out towards Sam Neill and Laura Dern...
Wait a minute. That sounds kinda badass. Hmm...
Well, you’re welcome, Colin.
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