May 21, 2008
I'm writing on behalf
of a 19-year-old guy with cerebral palsy.
As you may know, CP is
a brain affliction resulting from insufficient oxygen at birth, and it causes
the part of the brain responsible for motor function to work incorrectly.
Troubles for people with CP include muscle spasticity, weakness, and/or painful
contraction, and in some cases a life spent in a wheelchair.
My buddy is, like any
19-year-old, interested in finding out more about his sexuality. He has watched
his peers develop sexually, but hasn't had the opportunity to do so himself.
Intimacy aside, are there any services that you know of that could help him to
experience sex for the first time? I don't mean to buy the guy a hooker or
anything like that, but I wondered if there are people who would assist him and
a girl (disabled or otherwise) into bed.
Thanks, and keep up the
great column. I've been a reader for years…
Friend In Deed
"Your reader shouldn't
make assumptions about what having sex or being sexual means to his friend,"
says Cory Silverberg, coauthor of The Ultimate Guide To Sex And Disability. What if your friend
doesn't want to get into bed with a girl, but head into a dungeon with one? Or
two? Or what if your friend is gay? Or what if all he really wants is to make
it with a plush toy or a picnic table?
"Just like we do with
everyone," says Cory, "we tend to assume folks with disabilities are straight
and just want to have penile-vaginal intercourse and some oral sex. We're
almost always wrong. So the first thing he should do is ask his friend what
he's interested in."
Cory also suggests that
you ask your friend if he's having sex with himself, since masturbation is the
easiest way for a person to explore his sexuality. "Mobility disabilities can
make masturbation tricky," says Cory, "but never impossible. Privacy and motor
control can be challenging, but there are many workarounds."
If your friend has or
finds a partner and needs physical assistance during sex, you might want to
help him find an attendant, a person who works with physically disabled people,
who is comfortable positioning him and a partner in bed, assisting with
condoms, and cleaning up. "In my experience," says Cory, "attendants who are
queer tend to be more comfortable talking about sex and making that kind of
assistance part of their job description, but that doesn't rule out straight
ones."
So if your friend has
plenty of sex with himself and has a good idea what he'd like to do, but
doesn't have a partner to do it with, what do you do then? "I don't have any
new suggestions here," says Cory. "He should get out there, use online and
virtual spaces, join a social group related to something he's passionate
about—all of these are good ways to meet people. Paying for sex is also
an option, but avoid the escort ads and try to get a referral from someone you
know and trust."
I was in a chat room today and a guy asked if
he could see my belly button. Of course, my fetish alarm went off. Turns out
this guy is 19, disabled, and feels like a total social/sexual outcast. Because
of his physical problems and his fetish, he said he felt like he'd never have a
normal relationship. I couldn't lie to the kid and say "Don't worry, pumpkin,
your soulmate will find you someday," so instead I offered "Most people are
assholes—and this comes from an able-bodied vanilla girl, so yeah, your
life's gonna be tough."
Then I thought there must be some kind of
Internet group out there for disabled fetishists. It might also make him feel
more normal, and he may be able to arrange an amazing
you-can-fetishize-my-disability-if-I-can-jerk-off-in-your-belly-button
relationship. I'm torn up thinking about this kid and want to do something for
him.
Trying To Help A Kid Out
"Your reader probably
feels like she is doing a good thing," says Cory, "but she should tone down the
condescension [about fetishes and disability]." Cory feels strongly that people
with disabilities shouldn't be told they must look exclusively to
disability fetishists for partners. "But there are people who have a specific
sexual preference for people with disabilities," says Cory, "and they identify
themselves as devotees, and in most cases, the disabilities they prefer are
people missing limbs and people in wheelchairs."
Ascot World
(ascotworld.com), according to Cory, "is still one of the biggest and best
devotee sites and offers links to discussion groups, which, if this guy is
interested, are one place to look for people."
Now before angry
able-bodied folks take offense on behalf of the disabled and fill my inbox with
angry letters about creepy devotees, please wrap your able-bodied heads around
this: If you believe in equal treatment for people with disabilities—and
you do, right?—then that extends to sex. We all want to be objectified
from time to time, and a disabled person has just as much right to healthy
objectification as any able-bodied person. There's really not much difference
between a leg man and a lack-of-leg man—well, except this: The more
common a fetish is, the less likely we are to regard it as one.
"But a lot of devotees
don't think of themselves as fetishists," adds Cory. "They compare their
interests to someone who likes red hair or big boobs, more of a preference or
something they have an emotional connection to rather than something they
absolutely need to get off."
Please help me. I'm 38 and have no boyfriend or
friends to go out with. I have been in a wheelchair for 10 years with a
hereditary condition. I have low self-esteem, which does not help. I don't know
how to fix it. If I do ever go somewhere on my own, I never find people that
want to talk, and my life is so boring.
Dying Out Here
"The effects of the social
isolation people with disabilities face can include depression," says Cory,
"and from this brief note, that's my first concern." Cory thinks you might
benefit from seeing someone—le shrink—about your general
mental health before you start looking for a boyfriend. "The reader wants to
'fix' the problem, but the truth is that there isn't any quick or easy fix,
especially when it comes to self-esteem. But taking some action to change your
situation can make you feel more positive about yourself and what you have to
offer others."
Once you've sought out
some help for your depression, Cory suggests you "find some volunteer work that
is accessible [or] join a social group or club"—basically follow the
standard-issue advice for any lonely person, able-bodied or not. You also might
want to check out these disability dating websites: dawn-disabled-dating.com, disableddatingclub.com, enablelove.com, lovebyrd.com, and specialsinglesonline.com.
Cory also wanted me to
pass on these resources: Independent Living USA; info on seeing a
sexual surrogate; some practical
suggestions from Outsiders, a UK disability-rights group; and Queers On Wheels. Cory also writes for, and maintains, a sex and disability
resources page at About.com.
Finally, all three authors
of The Ultimate Guide To Sex And Disability—Miriam Kaufman,
Fran Odette, and Cory Silverberg—are happy to help others with
suggestions and can be reached via e-mail at [email protected]. Cory
also takes questions this week on the Savage Lovecast, my weekly podcast, which
you can download at thestranger.com/savage.
Confidential to California: Thanks for that.
Got problems? [email protected]