In the 53 years since the Patterson-Gimlin tape shocked the world with indisputable, not-at-all fake video evidence of the Sasquatch’s existence, we haven’t heard much from the big stinky ape. After years spent watching cryptozoologists chasing the sound of breaking twigs on Discovery Channel series and being incredibly disheartened that not even a Spike TV bounty provided substantial new proof, we’d all but given up hope that the Sasquatch would ever be seen so clearly again.
Well, in a shocking development, it turns out that the unpredictable Bigfoot was hiding in plain sight all along, uploading videos of itself playing saxophone jams on its YouTube channel.
Yes, it seems the once-elusive Sasquatch, like so many of us modern creatures, is hungry for internet clout. The ape has decided that it’s passed too many centuries keeping to itself, and has launched the Saxsquatch channel in a first, heavy-footed step into the public eye. Come and join the ‘squatch as it leans against trees and plays classic tunes on its saxophone, like The Pink Panther’s theme, “Fly Me To The Moon,” or, because even a forest-dwelling Bigfoot knows it’s required sax repertoire, “Careless Whisper.”
When Saxsquatch isn’t working through the hits on the horn, it’s displaying just how deft those frighteningly humanoid fingers really are by playing tracks that show off its skills as a keyboardist and bassist.
This is all obviously astonishing stuff. Not only has the existence of the Sasquatch been completely confirmed, but the creature is also a talented musician with a solid knowledge of our popular culture. Perhaps it’s learned these songs in an effort to make us more comfortable with its presence when it finally decides to come on out of the forests and make a home in our cities. Or maybe these are just the kind of tunes that speak most to the Bigfoot heart, and we could’ve seen more evidence of the sucker by now if our scientists had just known to go out to the forest with Yanni cassettes instead of camcorders.
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