Before clicking play on "Fashion," the new song by dead-eyed Hills character-bot Heidi Montag, and unleashing what sounds like 800 tin cans filled with inanity falling onto a giant metal sheet, there are a few things you should shove to the far reaches of your consciousness, lest the three endless minutes of awful synthesized droning about fashion turn your mind into a slushy pile of rage:
1. What music sounds like. (It's better not to think about this. The comparisons between all other music and this purported music will drive you crazy.)
2. Proper pronunciation of the word, "stiletto."
3. Any and all fear of robots.
4. The suspicion that a Casio keyboard set to "Rumba" was used in the 5-minute songwriting stage of "Fashion."
5. Your deep-seated hatred of long lists of designers sung-spoken in faux-French.
Once you've let go of all of the above, it is safe (relatively speaking) to click on the terrible, terrible song below.
Finally, someone has taken the aggressive stupidity of "Barbie Girl," multiplied it by Jordy, and set the whole thing to nightmare club drum-machine. Thanks, Heidi. I don't know what kind of media manipulation art piece you're working on, but this is no more a real song or a real stab at a music career than The Hills is real life. Nice try, though.