No mask can protect you from the horrors of this unhinged Fourth Of July party

By Reid McCarter | July 20, 2020 | 4:32pm

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No mask can protect you from the horrors of this unhinged Fourth Of July party

The latest video from All Gas No Brakes, a channel devoted to chronicling the highest highs and lowest lows of life in modern America, sees host Andrew Callaghan hanging out at a Fourth Of July party that feels like a Bosch painting dripped out of a canvas and took form in the real world. To tackle the immensity of Callaghan’s interviews, which all come with the baseline lunacy of a bunch of people crowded together on a packed beach during a pandemic, we’ve decided to break it down into manageable chunks by highlighting five of its most fascinating characters.

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1. The Body Shots Killer

The undisputed star of the video is a friendly dude with a man bun who loves body shots, July 4th, and promises to get Callaghan “a kill tonight.” He’s a multi-talented guy, rapping, slurping warm booze from a woman’s stomach, and preaching equality with the slogan, “We all shit the same color at the end of the day.”

2. “Party Marty,” The Five Dollar Vodka Guy

Party Marty is more serious that most of his friends. He takes the mic to extol the virtues of Lil Yachty and explain his philosophy regarding booze (don’t waste money on quality; it all gets you fucked up in the end). Watch him burp after chugging from his bottle of cheap vodka and feel your own eyes water in sympathy. “All I know is I’m living my youth and I’m living my best life,” he slurs in conclusion. “And that’s all I can really offer.”

3. The Ass-Eater

After stating the three biggest passions of his life—cocaine, “bad bitches,” and alcohol—the Ass-Eater proclaims all of them “way cooler than coronavirus.” He objects to a friend trying to talk up White Claw, then answers Callaghan’s question of whether he knows the woman next to him: “Yeah, she’s one of my bad bitches from Marquette. I’ve ate her ass like ten times.”

4. The COVID Denier

The COVID Denier leads a group interview where he rhetorically asks if those around him know anyone who’s contracted the disease. “So it might be a lieee!” he says, waving his hands around his face. When a nursing major steps in to say that coronavirus is definitely real (even though he doesn’t “give a fuck right now”), the Denier tells him once again that “it might be a lieee!”

5. The TikTok Activist

“There’s a lot of issues going on in the world right now,” the TikTok Activist says with an attempt at sober gravitas. When asked which issues she’s most concerned with, the woman replies: “I care about everything that’s going on in the world right now.” Following up on this, she holds forth on the responsibilities of those with a bunch of social media followers. “There’s a lot of issues going on in the world right now,” the Activist says. “And if you’re not fighting for the right reasons then why be out here?”

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