October 6, 2010

My husband has a cuckold fetish, which we have indulged through two drunken threesomes with two of his best friends. The first time, he really had to talk me into it. The second time, he steered me in that direction and I took the wheel. I now have had sex alone with Friend Two a few times. My husband was okay with it at first, but now he wants it to stop. I like the control he gave me, and now I don’t want to be told no. He opened the door, and I don’t want to close it. What do I do?
Not Ready To Stop

You close the damn door and you let your husband see that it’s closed. You tell him that you’d rather the door were still open, NRTS, but you assure him that it’s closed for now and will remain closed until he’s ready to open it again.

That’s pretty much the only way you can have your husband and, at some point down the road, “the control he gave you” too, i.e., his consent to fuck around with other men. Then you’ll be able to open the door to a threesome again, this time without a booze assist. Although it might take him longer to get comfortable with the idea of you seeing other guys alone, which seems to have triggered the wrong kind of anxiety, i.e., anxiety of the non-boner-inducing variety, which is not what emotionally safe and sane cuckolding is all about.

Trust me, NRTS: Your husband is still into cuckolding. That’s not a kink that evaporates after one or two drunken threesomes. He’s probably just a little spooked by how quickly you progressed from having to be talked into it to having to be talked out of it. A time-out will give him a chance to see—and give you a chance to demonstrate—that he is still your first priority, emotionally and sexually.

Which he still is, right?

How can I approach this without making her self-conscious?
Lesbian Over Ungodly Din

You don’t want to make her self-conscious, and that’s a lovely impulse, but she’s making you self-conscious, LOUD, and you’re just going to have to risk making her self-conscious. Because we’re not talking about a few loud yelps or screams at the climax(es) of the act(s), which is something a roommate or a neighbor can reasonably be expected to endure, but caterwauling throughout. That’s not okay. Tell the new girlfriend that the yelling wouldn’t be a problem if you lived on 200 acres of land, but you live in an apartment building, in the city, and you have a roommate and neighbors.

Under those circumstances, you have a right to ask her to stifle herself. And if she reacts badly, or if she sulks like a child, then she’s obviously not mature enough to waste your valuable time (and tongue) on.

I invented the T-shirt, and every time one is sold—even one with rapper 50 Cent on it—I get a royalty check. That’s why I don’t have to have a real job and can devote my time to answering questions from cuckolds’ wives, lesbians, and people interested enough in the history of the T-shirt to read the Wikipedia entry about it.

In the last two weeks, we’ve learned of five more teenagers who were being bullied and took their own lives: Cody Barker, age 17, of Shiocton, Wisconsin; Asher Brown, age 13, of Houston, Texas; Seth Walsh, age 13, of Tehachapi, California; Tyler Clementi, age 18, the Rutgers University student who jumped off the George Washington Bridge; and Raymond Chase, age 19, a student in Providence, Rhode Island. Their deaths come after the suicides of Justin Aaberg, age 15, of Anoka, Minnesota, and Billy Lucas, age 15, of Greensburg, Indiana.

Hundreds of LGBT people all over the world have uploaded videos to the It Gets Better Project’s YouTube channel in an effort to bring hope to kids who are being bullied because they are gay or perceived to be gay. People are sharing their stories and letting these kids know that it gets better. By the time you read this, the videos at the IGBP will have been viewed, collectively, more than a million times. Go to www.itgetsbetterproject.com to see the videos or to upload one of your own.

Four years is a long time to wait, ACM, and what about making things better right now? Gay, lesbian, bi, and trans activists, inspired by the IGBP, have launched the Make It Better Project. Events are planned for all over the country between now and October 11, which is National Coming Out Day, to raise awareness of the problem and to push for legislative action now, like the immediate passage of the Safe Schools Improvement Act and the Student Non-Discrimination Act. You can learn more about events in your community—and how you can help to make it better now—at www.makeitbetterproject.com.