At this point, it would almost be faster for us to compile a list of celebrities who aren’t releasing their own cryptocurrency, then get savvy readers to start using that list as a means to buy internet goods and services. The dollar is an illusion, baby! Put all your savings into NewswireCoin! But in the meantime, here’s another famous person who won’t be on our hotly traded list, and whose name is synonymous with a similarly sound investment in your financial future: Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Between Ghostface Killah’s CREAM coin and now ODB’s Dirty Coin, it’s just like that Chappelle’s Show sketch—only now you can give the Wu your paycheck for real!
Today, music marketing service Link Media Partners announced the debut of Dirty Coin, named for the late Wu-Tang Clan rapper who taught us that Wu-Tang is for the children, much like blockchain technology-based currency. The accompanying press release promises that “with the Dirty Coin [Symbol: ODB], fans will have access to shows, tours, exclusive merchandise, and music from the former Wu Tang Clan rapper” who died in 2004—which is as apt a metaphor as you’re going to get for all the guarantees offered by the cryptocurrency market. MetaphorCoin: Get in now on the ground floor!
“Bitcoin is the future of money and all the fans want a part of the future of Ol’ Dirty Bastard,” adds his son Young Dirty (aka Barsun Jones) of this exciting opportunity to convert your stagnant, 20th-century paper money into a stake in whatever Ol’ Dirty Bastard does next.
Of course, the Dirty Coin doesn’t just offer you first dibs on any upcoming ODB shows and tours. Its main purpose, for now, is to fund the recording and release of a new album from Young Dirty, without the backing of an antiquated label. In the ol’ pedantic past, we might have called this “crowdfunding” or, less charitably, panhandling.
But this is the new age of Osirus 2.0, the second digital coming of Big Baby Jesus. And by converting what might have once been called “donations” to a cryptocurrency, whose actual value can only me measured in terms of Ol’ Dirty Bastard merchandise, and whose creators might have bothered to Google the fact that “Dirty Coin” is already the name of a porn-themed Bitcoin “focused on the Adult Industry and Escort Industry”—Link Media and the ODB Estate are exploring “exciting new ways for artists to connect with, and empower, their fans.” Yeah, baby! JargonCoin! Buy a million right now before the global market crashes!