Danny McBride, Edi Patterson, and Adam DevineScreenshot: HBO
We’ve come to the end of The Righteous Gemstones’ season-long journey. Over the last two months, we’ve seen a family scraping the bottom of the barrel and vying to become the least pathetic member. This week, we got to see how it all shook out. Jesse (Danny McBride) got to use his sling, Aunt Tiffany (Valyn Hall) got her Funyuns, and Kelvin (Adam Devine) has a whole new squad to groom.
Somehow, the Gemstones managed to get through another deadly and violent season unscathed, and in some cases, even more capable than when they started. Sure, these people are all inhuman monsters, profiting off the violence and misery they so easily spread around the world. Yet, they are blessed, for their prosperity was ordained.
That still leaves one question, though: Who is the least pathetic Gemstone this week? Spoiler alert: It’s not baby Lionel.
9. Kelvin Gemstone
Danny McBride, Edi Patterson, and Adam Devine Screenshot HBO
We’ve come to the end of ’ season-long journey. Over the last two months, we’ve seen a family scraping the bottom of the barrel and vying to become the least pathetic member. This week, we got to see how it all shook out. Jesse (Danny McBride) got to use his sling, Aunt Tiffany (Valyn Hall) got her Funyuns, and Kelvin (Adam Devine) has a whole new squad to groom.Somehow, the Gemstones managed to get through another deadly and violent season unscathed, and in some cases, even more capable than when they started. Sure, these people are all inhuman monsters, profiting off the violence and misery they so easily spread around the world. Yet, they are blessed, for their prosperity was ordained. That still leaves one question, though: Who is the least pathetic Gemstone this week? Spoiler alert: It’s not baby Lionel.
9. Kelvin Gemstone
Adam Devine Screenshot HBO
Kelvin is a disappointment. After weeks of cowering and crying, he carried the cross and reclaimed his front lawn. But a month after the Zions opening, Kelvin is back to restarting his youth cult—this time with younger followers that he plans to groom into bulbous muscle men. Keefe, we implore you, please get chaperones and permission slips. Kelvin should not be bringing these children anywhere without them. We are very concerned.
Lionel only appears in a couple of shots, but he is, if nothing else, a newborn covered in that weird, blue Porta Potty deodorizer. This will be hard to come back from, but the only place to go from here is up. Good luck, Lionel.
It feels wrong to bring up the toilet baby without mentioning the strides that Baby Billy (Walton Goggins) and Aunt Tiffany made in this episode. Sure, Aunt Tiffany may have a new surrogate parent in her niece, and Baby Billy probably hasn’t learned his lesson from Harmon, but at least Billy rescued the baby from the toilet, ruining his suit. Plus, Billy agrees that it would be gross to marry Judy (Edi Patterson) and Aunt Tiffany knows how to bathe herself now.
6. Amber Gemstone
Cassidy Freeman Screenshot HBO
Amber (Cassidy Freeman) is back, baby. In her fleeting moments on screen this week, she patched things up with Gideon (Skyler Gisondo) and told Lindy Lisson (Jessica Lowe) to “eat some shit.” If that’s not enough, she even helped Chad get back together with Mandy. He provides for the girls, after all. Amber has proven herself a capable mother and an overly committed wife to Jesse, who does not deserve her. She should tell people to “eat some shit” more often.
5. Jesse Gemstone
Danny McBride Screenshot HBO
Props to Jesse Gemstone. Ever since he backed off from gunning for his father’s job, things have been going his way. Now he’s comfortably hanging out on movie sets with his stuntman son and dancing to very cool Disneyfied calypso tracks on the beach with his friend Joe Jonas. More importantly, when he learns that Lyle Lisson tried to kill Eli, he’s disgusted. It’s enough to make a man barf water all over Zions. Jesse ends the season more human than ever—assuming he continues to ignore how inhuman his father is.
4. Judy Gemstone
Edi Patterson Screenshot HBO
Watching Judy cut up her aunt’s steak warmed our hearts. More than any other character this season, Judy has learned to love others, particularly her Aunt Tiffany, who has given her focus and purpose. The journey that she and Aunt Tiffany went on this season isn’t some Lifetime movie where you can say “from me” in a sad voice and garner sympathy. It’s actual familial love. She’s almost a real person now—more real than her brothers, anyway. We don’t know if she’d make a great mother, but she’s a world-class niece.
3. B.J. Gemstone
Tim Baltz Photo Ryan Green (HBO)
Judy hopes B.J. never changes, and we do too. That lovable nerd who wants to be near Joe Jonas was the victim of numerous abuses this season, including a disturbing shot to the leg and a ninja star to the head. In a family dripping with hubris, he might be the one closest to god.
2. Eli Gemstone
John Goodman Screenshot HBO
We are simply too afraid of Eli to rank him any lower. The big bad wolf showed his claws this week. Just ask the Lissons. Eli’s rivals met a bloody and disturbing end as he smiled about the stage singing “Some Broken Hearts Never Mend.” The man may barely be human, but he’s definitely not pathetic. Sadistic, but not pathetic.
1. Aimee-Leigh Gemstone
Walton Goggins and Jennifer Nettles Photo Ryan Green (HBO)
Was there any doubt? Congrats to the late Aimee-Leigh Gemstone. May her memory be a blessing.
