Say goodbye to the TV Guide Network you were vaguely aware of, kinda

By Sean O'Neal | March 27, 2013 | 7:15pm

Aux Features TV

The TV Guide Network, America’s most popular source for channel listings for people who died but haven’t been discovered yet, will soon be going away. CBS has purchased a 50-percent share in both the station and the TV Guide website, with the newly rebranded TV Guide Network to become the most widely distributed channel that CBS operates—even more widely than CBS itself, apparently, as that network airs primarily in the wheat-bunkers of Real America, the lurking shadowland invisible to communists who spurn laugh tracks.

As the Associated Press notes, TVGN recently realized that digital cable was a thing, replacing its slow scroll of channel listings in many markets with equally lulling reruns of shows like Who’s The Boss? and Ugly Betty. It’s not yet clear what CBS plans to do with the network, though it will utilize CBS’s TV programming and movies from its partner Lionsgate to “continue to focus on entertainment,” as opposed to most TV stations that focus on sobering monologues on how you’re wasting your life. And no, this won’t have any effect on TV Guide the magazine—a separately owned entity—so you may continue to be certain of the integrity of “Cheers And Jeers.”