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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Secular law interferes with spiritual warriors' attempt to exorcise lumber at Home Depot

Demons no longer safe when hiding between slats of wood with the termites

Note that the cross shape created in this image does nothing to ward off evil spirits.
Note that the cross shape created in this image does nothing to ward off evil spirits.
Graphic: Reid McCarter, Photo: Joe Raedle (Getty Images)

In further evidence that the world is getting back up to speed after everyone’s spent much of the last year cooped up in their homes, we’ve just learned that police were called to a Pennsylvania Home Depot on Monday in order to break up an in-store lumber exorcism.

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A Facebook post from the Dickson City Police details the department’s list of activities from June 21, including, most notably, a visit to Home Depot on Commerce Boulevard at 3:26 P.M. in response to “disorderly people having an exorcism in the lumber isle [sic] for the dead trees.” The only other detail provided here, following up descriptions of Dickson police responding to reports of dog shit in a Dollar Tree parking lot and an alarm triggered at a nearby Chuck E. Cheese, is that the spiritual warriors involved “were escorted out of the building.”

The Philly Voice quotes an officer who says “there were two people hanging out in the lumber department doing their little exorcism thing.” Despite the obvious necessity of the pair’s confrontation with wood demons, the cops were called when “some people started picking up that something was happening that was not necessarily normal.”

He continued by adding that the two, who were never identified as either an old/young priest duo or just bold laymen, were engaged in “a séance type of thing for the dead.” Neither were charged for their attempts to cleanse the lumber of its evil spirits, probably because these exorcists are the kind of people the haunted wood world so desperately needs as vigilante demon-fighters.

The only sad part of this story is that that possessed lumber probably wasn’t dealt with properly before the exorcism was interrupted. It will now end up being used to build an evil structure, and we don’t even have Ed and Lorraine Warren around anymore to take the haunted planks into their museum while figuring out how to juice this whole event for another Conjuring movie.

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