Screenshot: YouTube

Ayo, fam: Aren’t cable and satellite TV providers totally not lit? They’re the very embodiment of 🤮, amirite?

That’s the gist of T-Mobile’s announcement today about its upcoming TV service—due to launch sometime in 2018—which the self-professed “Un-carrier” will use to take on the cable-satellite industry. “Sounds disruptive!” you say. Very! T-Mobile used variations on “disrupt” eight times on the press page announcing it. Technically seven, because one came via this quote from Jeff Binder, CEO of Layer3 TV, which he presumably delivered while riding a motorized unicycle: “No market needs Un-carrier-ing more than pay TV, so we’re completely stoked to join T-Mobile in disrupting the status quo!”

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Seriously, just let T-Mobile president and CEO break it down for you with some of his signature real talk, which has earned him the title of “the profanity-spewing shock jock of corporate America” and the “Dr. House of telecom” by Fast Company. What other major telecom executive would say “bullshit” three times and a old regular “shit” in the five and a half minute video announcing his new product? Only a disruptive motherfucker with long hair and a black leather jacket, that’s who!

Do you not see how hyped he is?!

The truth bombs come quickly and relentlessly in the video: People hate their cable providers! It’s an outdated model! People are cutting the cord! Hey, if everyone else can notice these obvious trends, certainly T-Mobile can as well!

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That’s why the company came up with a nebulous, but certainly revolutionary idea—“You say you want a revolution?” asks its press release—that no one else has thought of: a TV service that does away with contracts, hidden fees, and the crappy customer service we all loathe! “You mean like Sling?” you ask. Uh... “Or Hulu?” Well... “YouTube has that new service now too.” Right... “And you can get DirecTV Now with no contact or anything.” Yeah, but this one has a bitchin’ pink logo, like the “mangenta” custom-designed Segway Legere rides in his office, or his hot-pink Converse high-tops personalized with “T-MOBILE CEO.”

It’s hard to say what T-Mobile’s new service will do, exactly, because the company doesn’t specify, but chances are it’ll be like those other cable alternatives. The company is acquiring “next generation cable provider” Layer3, presumably to use its cable-esque tech—in fact, Layer3 bills itself as “The New CableⓇ,” but they’re not your parents’ wack old cable company. No, they’re a “fellow disruptor,” says the T-Mobile press release. Layer3's tech and T-Mobile’s network and retail footprint will come together to finally deliver the revolution John Lennon promised in the press release.

“We’re gonna Un-carrier that shit,” says Legere in the video. You got the stones for it, bro?

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