Tabloid Synergy

By Amelie Gillette  |  October 6, 2006 | 4:59pm
Aux Features Hater

It's an occurence that is at least as rare as a London Bridge, but sometimes Jupiter aligns with Mars, and the tabloids sync their gossip-mongering energy together to provide a complete, three-dimensional portrait of a scandal.

You would think that the slow, petering out of the relationship of two of the most boring, unhappy-looking people in history wouldn't make much of a story, but it does. In fact, a quick glance at the newstand reveals that it's not just a boring story, but a boring book. Looking at the covers of this week's Us Weekly, Life & Style, and In Touch is like thumbing through successive chapters of the same incredibly boring break-up novel.

First, from Us Weekly we learn that the unthinkable has (finally) happened: Vince left Jen

But there are so many questions: what went wrong? Who's to blame? How, dear God, is Jen coping!?

In Touch thankfully has answers:

Of course. Jen's boobs are what went wrong. They are to blame! And, naturally, she will cope by making them bigger, perhaps to attract someone new… Someone who will appreciate her boobs not for what they are, but for what she filled them with. But who?

Life & Style picks up the story from here.

Yes. It's Matthew McConaughey. Surely he will be enticed by Jen's new boobs, her love of beaches, and her terse, tight-lipped smile. It's a match made in heaven, or at least in the minds of a few over-worked tabloid editors who have 18,000 pictures of a shirtless, sweaty McConaughey and nothing to do with them.

 
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