Teen Wolf (MTV, 10 p.m.): All TV Guide will tell us about this super-sized season finale is that they try to “save the pack,” which is unhelpful, since that is just about the condensed version of every Teen Wolf episode. It’s like describing a Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode as, “girl kills monsters.” Whatever happens, though, everyone should join LaToya Ferguson for the summer’s last supernatural murder caper. (Coincidentally, “Supernatural Murder Caper” is the title for our upcoming YA reimagining of Nancy Drew. It’s going to be huge.)
America’s Next Top Model (CW, 9 p.m.): “The Guy Who Gets The Beard Weave.” That’s…all we got.
Under The Dome (CBS, 10 p.m.)
We’re kicking off our new fall television preview feature, in which we tell you which new shows are worth checking out, which will provide solid hate-tweet material, and which feature Nick Jonas. There’s so much to discuss—and this is only part one! We truly live in the Golden Age of Television, you guys. High fives.
Bachelor in Paradise (ABC, 8 p.m.) / American Ninja Warrior (NBC, 9 p.m.) / Running Wild With Bear Grylls (NBC, 8 p.m.): All of these are season finales. All of these season finales combined are America.
A Good Job: Stories of the FDNY (HBO): Tonight’s selection from the “Documentaries To Make You Cry” collection, brought to you by producer Steve Buscemi. (That is true.)
School Of Rock (AMC, 8 p.m.): This is one of those cursed movies for us. You know, that movie you’ve tried to watch a million times, but the DVD didn’t work, or you couldn’t find it on Netflix, or you came into it halfway through on television, etcetera and so on? So we’ve never actually seen all of School Of Rock, but it seemed pretty chill (even if those precocious kids kind of freaked us out).
Austin Powers In: Goldmember (Oxygen, 7 p.m.): Remember when?
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part II (6 p.m.): We went to this film, and were prepared to give up every ounce of hatred we had for the franchise after twenty awesome, bloody minutes that then—spoiler alert, we guess?—turned out to be a goddamn dream. We will never forgive. We will never forget.
US Open Tennis: Men’s Final (CBS, 2 p.m.): It’s become a safe bet to predict some combination of Djokovic/Federer/Nadal will be competing against each other in a Grand Slam final (and the Honorable House of What’s On Tonight waves a Djokovic flag), but damn if Kei Nishikori and Marin Cilic didn’t make things more interesting. Don’t worry, Djoker, we’ll always have this:
Monday Night Football (ESPN, 4 / 7:15 p.m.): Giants at Lions! Chargers at Cardinals! Football at night!
Clone High: A whole bunch of things happened on television last night (Boardwalk Empire premiere, Leftovers finale, Utopia is the new Survivor or maybe Big Brother or who even knows, it got a D), so you should definitely read about all that. But in a blatant show of nepotism, we’re going to plug Caroline Framke’s Clone High reviews, which are still happening over at TV Club Classic (with bonus embarrassing high school stories!). Also, how many different perspectives can we use to refer to ourselves in this feature?