The Bachelorette throws a rose at a guy, is like “Okay, whatever”

Here’s what’s up in the world of television for Monday, July 28. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICK
The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 p.m.): THE FINALE, IT IS HERE. Andi will make her decision between Nick Viall and Josh Murray. Then, presumably, whoever she chooses will engage in mouth-to-mouth simulation-of-romantic-act with her, to a lot of audience cheering. There will a rose given to the man who remains to seize the title of bachelorette and throw it like a thorny crown into the dusty clearing that is the desert of the real as he proclaims, “I have rescued you, princess, from the clutches of singlehood! Henceforth the world knows that you could get a man to love you, despite what your mother (and my mother) said!” Then they will kiss again. The rose petals will fall into the dust and get trampled upon, like all dreams. Then all the men she rejected will return and be beheaded, one by one, as stony-faced married women look on. The gods are angry. They must be appeased. Sacrifices must be made. Trust no bitch.

Running Wild With Bear Grylls (NBC, 8 p.m.): Uh, this is the series premiere of a show about celebrities testing their survival skills. With a guy named Bear Grylls, which also sounds like a name that belongs in a romance novel, or at least, a comic book aimed at teenage boys. In tonight’s premiere, Zac Efron joings Bear for a trek into the Appalachian Mountains to prove his manhood to America.

Love Child (HBO, 9 p.m.): An HBO original documentary about the death of a baby girl due to neglect because her parents were obsessed with online gaming. The story is in South Korea, where 2 million people, apparently, are addicted to gaming. Sarang, the baby, died of starvation while her parents played a game called Prius for six to 12 hours a day in an internet cafe. And the more you read about this story, it gets even more disturbing! Woo!