Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

The Hills: The Movie

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Remember Lauren Conrad of The Hills, vacancy, and selling overpriced jersey squares fame? Well, she doesn't. Or maybe she does? I don't know. Do expanses of tanned nothingness have memories? Is there anything behind their dead eyes? When they look in the mirror do they see the word "blah" reflected back at them?


None of these fascinating questions (and less!) will be explored in Lauren Conrad's new movie: I Hope Things Are Cuuuuuuuuuuuuute In Heaven.

From Variety:

Temple Hill Entertainment has acquired screen rights to "L.A. Candy," the bestselling debut novel by Lauren Conrad, ex-star of reality series "The Hills" and "Laguna Beach."

The book, published in June by HarperCollins, has been on the bestseller lists of the New York Times for 14 weeks.

Informed by Conrad's experiences, "L.A. Candy" tells the story of a 19-year-old who moves to Hollywood, quickly finds fame as a reality series star and then has to deal with the ramifications of living a fishbowl life. Conrad plans to write two more books on the reality travails of protag Jane Roberts.

Good job, ghost writer. First you convinced Lauren Conrad that the "character" in her "novel" shouldn't be named Schmauren Schmonrad, and now you have a bestseller and a contract for the world's most unnecessary trilogy! Although, how are you gonna stretch Lauren Conrad's vacant stare over three books? Maybe L.A. Candy 2: Gummi Worm can tell the story of Schmauren's, I mean, Jane's incredibly dramatic Verizon commercial shoot with Body Jennser, and the third book, L.A. Candy 3: Sugar Shock, can just be 200 blank pages?

But making the novel about the reality show into a movie? That's not how an ouroboros works. The novel about the reality show should be made into a scripted ABC Family series—this way the snake eats its own tail until, one day, Lauren Conrad just vanishes, a solitary black mascara tear on the pavement the only marker of her one-time existence.

"Lauren, who became an icon in that reality show world, came to us with a structure of how to tell the story in an interesting fashion that was separate and apart from the book," Producer Marty Bowen said. "We loved her take. Her book is an honest portrayal of what it must be like to set out to be normal, then sign on to become famous and eventually realize, wow, this isn't at all what I'd planned for myself." 

Normal people don't set out to be normal. They just are normal. Kind of like how walking blahs don't set out to be dull, they just are.

I hope Lauren's "interesting" story-telling structure for the movie is mascara.