As you probably already know, Jay Leno has refused to go gently into that good night when Conan O'Brien takes over The Tonight Show in June, and instead will preside over his own personal 10pm timeslot fiefdom every weeknight on NBC. While this is great news for Jay Leno, who will finally have enough disposable cash to put the finishing touches on his lifesize 1963 Chevy Impala sculpture made completely from $100 bills, and it's probably good news for the rubber chin manufacturer whose impeccable work was last seen in HBO's The Late Shift and who can now count on a call when The Late Shift 2: Shiftier begins production, it's safe to say that Leno's stubborn refusal to die on NBC with dignity isn't good news for anyone else.
Conan O'Brien, who is moving his show to LA in pursuit of more celebrity guests for his earlier timeslot, will most likely now have to battle Leno for at least some of those guests. The old and old-acting middle-aged people who enjoy the soporific effect of Leno's particular brand of middling comedy each night will now find themselves falling asleep even earlier, which means they'll get up earlier the next day, which means that bands of senior citizens will no doubt start forming gangs and resorting to petty theft and vandalism because, hey, they'll have to find some way to kill that hour before the paper lands on the doorstep at 5:30am. And then, of course, there's the children. Won't someone think of the children? Rewarding Jay Leno for being so excruciatingly mediocre in comedy in this way sets a bad example for children everywhere. The lesson of 10pm timeslot Leno is: If you do just the bare minimum, NBC will dump buckets of money at your feet to get you to keep doing just that, so don't even try.
But even though Jay Leno's shift to primetime effectively sweeps the standing leg from underneath network television, leaving it to balance precariously on a cane, the show still needs a name. Jimmy Fallon is taking over Late Night and Conan's adopting The Tonight Show, so what will Jay Leno's nightly 10pm show be called? Below are a few suggestions:
—Ambien Hour With Jay Leno
—The Real Tonight Show (Fuck You, Conan) With Jay Leno
—JayWalking, Headlines, And Things You Are Comfortable With Extravaganza
—This Mistake Is Making Me So Rich, With Jay Leno
—Ye Olde Farte Tyme
—Rapin' Peacocks With Jay Leno
—A Shot Of Guffaw With Jay Leno
—The Life's Not Fair Variety Hour
—Stab An Hour In The Throat, Featuring Jay Leno and The Judge Ito Dancers