Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

There were many, many important lessons to be gleaned from last night's season premiere of The Hills aka Texting, Teen Vogue, And Blank Stares Look Compelling When Shot On Film Stock.

In no particular order, here are a few things I learned from watching The Hills:

1. Lauren Conrad fluctuates between three emotional states: "Unwritten" by Natasha Beddingfield (elation, interspersed with drunkenness), "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie (introspection, looking out from a balcony), and a bland cover of "Umbrella" (OMG my friendship with Heidi is so dead):

2. As evidenced by the clip above, the best way to convey empathy/interest to Lauren Conrad is to exhale, "WTF" with as much glassy-eyed boredom as you can muster.

3. This is what the voice of reason looks like on The Hills: [image:65189]

In case you're blinded by the torso name tat, that's Brody Jenner. He was the only person advising two of the show's characters, excuse me, real-life cast members not to get engaged.

4. The way to purchase an engagement ring on The Hills is to go to some store in some mall called "Ice," and ask for "the high-end stuff." When you have located a ring that is too ridiculously massive for J.Lo and also purple, you are ready to propose!

5. Clubs are more fun with subtitles! [image:65192]

6. Spencer managed to find some "artwork" that both encapsulates everything that is idiotic about LA and adds to his characterization as an idiot: a graffitti-style mural of the word "Hollywood" spray-painted on the large blank white wall of the condo that he chose to live in because of its proximity to Les Deux. [image:65190]

7. When proposing on an MTV reality show it is important to emphasize how totally not phony the whole thing is by repeating, "That's so real," "It's just real," etc.

Also, do it on a secluded beach, because the camera crew will have enough space to use a dolly if they need to.


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