This week in Savage Love: Blocked

I’m sorry your friend was harassed by some asshole with a phone, SHUTUPP, but the counterstrike you’re considering could backfire on your friend. I mean, let’s say you got this asshole to change his number—let’s say your campaign of targeted non-sexual harassment was a success—then what happens? Well, then the asshole gets a new number. He’ll still be an asshole with a phone, most likely the same phone, just with a different phone number. And since his new number won’t be the one your friend blocked, SHUTUPP, and since he’ll still have your friend’s phone number, he’ll be able to resume harassing your friend and any other woman who’d blocked his old number. As unsatisfying as it might seem, your friend’s best course of action here is the one she already took—blocking the fuck out of this asshole—and your best course of action would be to express sympathy and solidarity without doing anything that might make things worse.

I’ve said cheating is sometimes “the least worst option” for all involved. But to say something isn’t always the worst option isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement. And I’ve said it’s foolish to define cheating as unforgivable considering how common cheating is. But to say something is forgivable is not to say it isn’t wrong. Quite the opposite, in fact, as non-wrongs do not require forgiveness. And, yes, I’ve said that cheating can sometimes save a relationship. For example, a person in an otherwise loving, low-conflict relationship that has become sexless might, after exhausting all other options (difficult conversations, couples counseling, etc.), cheat in order to “stay married and stay sane.” It’s not ideal, of course, but it may make it possible for the cheater to remain in a relationship that neither the cheater nor the cheatee wants to end. That’s not what your wife did. She lied, she cheated, and only floated the idea of an ethically non-monogamous relationship after she got caught being non-ethically non-monogamous. While this has been known to work—there are couples out there that were able to create functional and healthy open relationships in the wake of messy and painful affairs—it’s not the kind of cheating that typically saves relationships. This kind of cheating, the kind your wife engaged in, more often than not destroys relationships.

Sorry—I’m issuing clarifications, not answering your question. You asked about next steps. I don’t have to tell you to give yourself permission to be angry, as you sound pretty in touch with your anger, so I’ll just tell you to feel the shit out of your feelings. Ask your friends to let you freely vent for the next few months. After three months they’re allowed to gently change the subject when you start in on your ex; after six months they’re allowed to insist you talk about something else; after a year they’re allowed to block your calls if you can’t get through a conversation without rehashing your divorce for the millionth time. You should also eat a lot of ice cream while getting enough exercise to neutralize its effects, YFTQM, and remind yourself every day that an ex who treated you like shit is no excuse for treating your next like shit.