This week in Savage Love: Queer quickies
Dan deals with a variety of family affairs in this week’s Savage Love
I just attended the nauseating wedding of my 30-year-old niece to her boyfriend of several years. Both of them seem as gay as possible but they are diehard religious fanatics. I can list fifty signs these two are gay and once you point it out to someone who isn’t a bible thumper they go, “Yeah, that makes so much sense.” The bride’s father, who was also the minister, praised them for not moving in together before the wedding—another sign. I personally find hetero abstinence until age 30 to be highly suspicious. In fact, refraining from heterosexual intercourse until that age only seems realistic if someone is gay or asexual. Our extended families are all religious blowhards and we’re the only queer-friendly outlet in the family. I want badly to let the newlyweds know it’s okay to question the complexities of sexuality and that we’re here to support them. I fear they’ll live for decades in awkwardness because my niece’s minister father is beyond judgmental and insists love (and marriage) can only exist between one MAN and one WOMAN. Is there any tactful way to ask someone if they’re gay? Or to at least offer support if they are closeted? How do we let them know our little corner of the family will love and support them? I wish someone had asked me when I was trying to figure it out.
Union Not Concealing LGBTQ Energy
Why would you go to that wedding when it’s still possible to plead pandemic? And avoid having to sit in a room full of unpleasant people and their equally unpleasant friends? Both real and imaginary? A group of people who are also highly likely to be unvaccinated?
Anyway, UNCLE, if you’re out to the family about being queer and/or being queer-friendly—it’s unclear what you ultimately figured out about yourself—your work here is done. Your niece knows queer people exist because you exist; she knows queer people live openly because you live openly. So she knows she has options and she knows she has at least one family member she can turn to. Now if you were to take the next step—a radical step—and actually call your niece on the phone and asking her if she’s queer… if you were to list all the traits you regard as proof both she and her husband are queer… it’s possible she might suddenly come out. Unlikely, UNCLE, but possible. But it’s almost certain you would be scratched from the guest list for all future family events—whether or not your niece comes out—which seriously tips the scales in favor of making that call.
Recently my nephew informed the whole family that he is gay. We all said supportive things and I told him about a “coming out” series of movies (Boys Life) and he appreciated the gesture. Now I come to the REAL reason for my writing to you. Though I enjoy the company of women—I am a man—my secret is that I find pleasure in sucking the pecs of muscular males. In my college days I made several male students and professors QUITE happy and I got pleasure from these encounters as well. Occasionally, when the opportunity presented itself, I came while being dominated by a muscular man with big nips and it was heaven. My family knows nothing about this “other side” of me. I find myself envying my nephew’s openness. Perhaps a naive question, Mr. Savage, but are there others out there like me?
Pensively Examining Complex Sexuality
P.S. Maybe one day I can take the same brave step my nephew has.
Yes, PECS, there are other bi guys out there. Some are into muscular pecs (although we just call them tits now), some keep this side of themselves from their spouses and families (which exacerbates bisexual invisibility and poor mental health outcomes among bisexuals), and some really get off on being dominated (because, like, that shit is hot). So you are definitely not alone.
P.S. Today could be the day.