This week in terrifying hybrids: 1. Diddy + YouTube + The mistaken belief that everything you do/say is worth sharing + a video camera = Diddy's Video Blog
Finally, Diddy answers the question, "If you could capture boredom on film, what would it look like?" This has to be the worst promotional tool ever. Does Diddy really believe that people who see him do a Sexual-Chocolate-meets-Proactiv bit will run out and buy his album in October? I would love to see a graph, pie chart, or some kind of analysis documenting the success of this campaign. "99% of people who heard you talk about the crust in the corners of your mouth, responded that they were 'highly unlikely' to buy Press Play, but more than 67% of people who watched you mindlessly give shout-outs while walking around New York reported that they "had no opinion" about Press Play." Really, the only good thing about these videos is that they're short. 2. Daddy Warbucks + Mr. Clean + "Whoa!" + Ballroom Dancing = Joey Lawrence on Dancing With The Stars
Few people who are not starring in regional productions of
The King And I have managed to look so intensely bald. Still, I am excited about the opportunity to avoid a new season of this show at all costs. These are the scariest production stills ever submitted to the media.
(Evidently, without the shielding properties of his bowtie, Tucker Carlson morphs into just another silk-shirt-wearing disco lover hanging around the roller rink.)
3. Sex toys + Christianity + Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand as to what is 'objectionable' = Book22.com
Book22.com is an online sex shop for horny Christians, or, as they put it, "intimacy products for married couples'––people who really, really want that vibrating cock ring, but don't it to come in a box that has pictures of naked people, or the word "cock" on it. (Seriously. You can read more about their censoring of naughty sex toy packaging here.) If there are two things that don't go together nearly enough, it's bible verses and "O My Flavored Lubricant." 4. Survivor + Low Ratings + Segregation = Survivor: Battle Of The Races
(The White Tribe, The Hispanic Tribe, The African American Tribe, and The Asian American Tribe on a beach somewhere; not pictured: Racism, Accusations Of Racism, Ratings-Boosting Outrage) The most shocking part about this is that
Survivor is still on the air.