TikTok has finally managed to sell itself [UPDATED]

Original story: After years of wrangling, international diplomacy, and a seemingly endless parade of billionaire buddies of the current White House lining up to get a piece of young peoples’ eyes, thumbs, and brains, it’s sounding like the deal for American investors to (mostly) buy social media site TikTok may finally be going through. This is per a new piece in Semafor, which reports that the deal for TikTok’s U.S. operations to be sold by Chinese owner ByteDance—an issue originally raised during the first Trump administration over concerns about data security, and then signed into law in the sundown days of the Biden administration—is apparently set to close some time this week. If it does, it’ll end a saga that’s extended to brief shutdowns of the service, executive orders delaying enforcement of the ban, and the potential imperiling of like 8 million videos where a Level 101 improv student reacts to another “character” that’s just them in a hat, shot from a slightly different angle.

The Semafor report includes a rundown of who will allegedly be owning U.S. TikTok once the sale goes through, a number that sees ByteDance itself maintain a legally safe 19.9 percent interest, while 15 percent stakes go to Larry Ellison’s Oracle, massive private equity firm Silver Lake, and MGX, an AI-focused firm owned by the UAE government. (Other investors pulled from the various shining minds of the billionaire class have lined up to carve up and gobble down the other 35 percent.)

What’s not entirely clear yet is how much money is changing hands over the deal, although it’s likely in the ballpark of the formal economic measurement unit known as the “fuck-ton.” (J.D. Vance said late last year that the deal values TikTok at $14 billion, so some simple division and subtraction suggests the company will be well-compensated for its loss.) Previous statements from ByteDance have asserted that the new American TikTok will be responsible for its own data protection and other security, and “governed by a new seven-member majority-American board of directors.” The deal had been waiting on regulators in both the United States and China to sign off on terms; neither government has officially commented yet, but news that the deal is moving forward suggests regulatory concerns have been overcome.