Last week our large president, Donald J. Trump, was in Lee County, Alabama, visiting with survivors of the tornadoes that recently devastated the area. In keeping with a storied tradition that includes telling survivors of Hurricane Harvey to “have a good time,” and shooting paper towels into a crowd of Hurricane Maria victims like three-pointers, Trump decided to use this time to sign some Bibles.
We’ll allow God to judge the appropriateness of a man who allegedly paid $130,000 in hush-money to a porn star scribbling his cursed name all over a sacred text, but we will share some good news for the prosperity gospel lovers in the audience. If you were one of the lucky rabble to get their Good News signed by Trump, you could continuing pleasing the Lord by selling that shit on eBay. Apparently, there’s a market for Bibles that look like someone was testing to see if their Sharpie had any ink left in it, as just yesterday a “mini bible” allegedly signed by Trump in 2016 was sold on eBay for $325.
As the seller notes, this Bible is blessed with Trump’s full signature, thus making it “even more rare.” Even better, as with every book in Trump’s library, it remains “unopened.” (A shock, that!) Though this edition sold for $325, it was originally listed at $525, meaning the seller struck the sort of powerful deal you’d expect from an acolyte of President Deals. That price puts a signed Trump Bible right in between current eBay listings for two other books Trump also did not write. As of now, a signed copy of The Art of the Deal can be yours for just $199.99, while getting the big boy-in-chief’s scribble on 2015's Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again somehow costs $595.
(If you’d rather have a disappointing impression of the real thing, a signed copy of Alec Baldwin’s You Can’t Spell America Without ME can be yours for a probably still-too-much $11.)
While none of the Bibles signed by Trump in Alabama last week have made it onto eBay just yet, those who are in the market for a copy of the word of God signed by one of the Grimace’s closest friends should keep their eyes peeled. For those recovering from the kind of unthinkable destruction most scientists attribute to a phenomenon our president denies, getting a few extra hundred bucks in their pockets would be a true godsend.
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