Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Ways Your Underwear Can Kill You

"I was in excruciating pain. I screamed." So says the victimized woman in the following clip of an interview she very bravely gave the Today show this morning. The woman went on Today to tell her terrible tale in the hope that her story of pain, abuse, and terror at the hands of a sexy friend suddenly turned brutal enemy (aka, her thong) would help to prevent the same thing from happening to countless others who wear spangly thongs every day, even though thongs are the worst idea for underwear ever, and bejewelled thongs are basically an awful idea covered in sequins so you can see its awful, awful stupidity better.

Be warned: this video is not for the faint of heart. But this woman's story must be told, if for no other reason than to serve as a reminder of how one's life can turn to tragedy in the yank of a v-string.

$25,000 is not enough.

Like everyone else, I always assumed that if my underwear were to kill me, it would probably happen late at night, when all of the inanimate objects in my room (including clothes) wait until I am sound asleep to come to life. Maybe during one of these secret, late-night, inanimate object free-for-alls, all the underwear would get into a violent fight with my armoire, and accidentally push the giant piece of furniture onto my bed, crushing me in my sleep. But that was before I knew about the Victoria's Secret Attack Thong and its vicious eye-gouging mechanism. Thank you for your litigious and publicity-seeking ways, Ms. Patterson. This has really been a wake-up call.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter