That blinding glare from Billy Bush's glass eyes can only mean one thing: It's Golden Globes night. Yes, tonight is the magical night when all of Hollywood pretends that the opinions of a shadowy, 95-person committee of junket-happy foreign "journalists" actually mean something. And I'll be there to liveblog every excruciating, over-long second of it, starting at 7ish, EST. How many times will the night be called "surreal"? What shade of retina-singeing peach will Nancy O'Dell wear? Will HFPA member Yola be able to get a photo with both Brad AND Angelina? Some of these questions and so many more will be answered right here in about a half hour. See you then!
7pm—Ah, the Jonas Brothers. The night is off to a great start. Which Jonas Brother is the most expendable? Discuss.
Also, apparently, Nancy O'Dell is going for the She-Ra dressed up like an extra in Caligula look.
7:03pm—"And whoever said that Hollywood has lost it's glamour hasn't seen the stars tonight." Who HASN't said that Nancy? I was just saying that earlier today so you could have a great set-up for showing whatever Brooke Burke is wearing. You're welcome.
7;05pm—Brooke Burke to Miley Cyrus: "You've had such a wonderful career"… and it ends right here. Brooke Burke always delivers career pink slips on the red carpet. It's her thing. That and naming her children hippie unisex names. Oh, and there's Billy Ray Cyrus, always lurking in his daughter's shadow.
7:11pm—Diddy is there and his face has that Proactiv glow. He's nominated for something? Maybe you could say what it is he's nominated for. Way to drop the ball, Nancy. That Golden Grecian collar must be cutting off the circulation to her head even more than usual.
7:15pm—Eva Mendes about her dress: "It's so like fun and feminine." OMG, I know. It's almost like it's a dress. Also apparently Eva Mendes has a home decor line at Macy's because her passion is architecture. You do the math. I'm going to start my own line of designer goldfish to be sold at Pet-opias nationwide because my real love is photo restoration.
7:20pm—Okay, I've definitely reached my Tiki Barber threshold.
7:22pm—Brooke to Aaron Eckhart, "Heath Ledger getting nominated..how do people feel about that?" Great question, Brooke! How do you think everyone feels about it? Keep asking though, because who knows maybe someone will slip up and say it's bullshit. "A wave of sadness" just came over Rachel Griffiths. Buzzkill much, Brooke Burke?
7:26pm—Sigourney Weaver likes "Single Ladies." These are the nuggets of insight you get watching the Golden Globes red carpet!
7:28pm—Brooke Burke just asked Maggie Gyllenhaal about Heath Ledger's nomination as well. Stop sending the Dark Knight people to Brooke Burke, producers. Follow up: "Who are you most looking forward to seeing tonight?" The ghost of Heath Ledger, maybe? Just go for it, Brooke. You know you want to.
7:30pm—Is Drew Barrymore Carol Channing now?
7:32pm—Mark Wahlberg standing next to Jeremy Piven: "I'm just afraid I'll catch the mercury poisoning." Piven looked like he was shot in the stomach. With bogus mercury bullets.
7:35pm—Dustin Hoffman is delightful until he says the words "Meet The Fockers 2"
7:39pm—Why are Amy Poehler, Tina Fey and Will Arnett being interviewed alongside Steven Spielberg? Is it just so Nancy O'Dell can reach across Spielberg and totally put him in his place?
7:42pm—J Lo is there and she's wearing a glitter waterfall. And it looks like she didn't bring Marc Anthony, which is good because his jaundice would probably clash. Someone wants a comeback.
7:46pm—Oh look it's Tom Cruise. According to Toby Young's canned bon-mots on Top Chef, his Tropic Thunder cameo as unexpected as sorbet..or something. It's true: he's exactly as exciting as sorbet.
7:49pm—Okay, He's Just Not That Into You. Enough. More than one ad in an hour reeks of desperation.
7:59pm—"What a star-studded night!" Thanks, Brooke. Also: Brooke Burke wants to see Heath Ledger win, because he's the only nominee she can remember.
8pm—Pussycat Dolls red carpet montage = no X 1000 That's the danger of going to an awards show, they'll always find a way to put you in a Pussycat Dolls montage.
8:02pm—Glitter waterfall opens the show. "Hello? Mama talking. Mama talking." J-Lo, a simple "testing, testing" would have been sufficient.
8:03pm—Kate Winslet wins for The Reader. She is immediately touched by everyone within a five-foot radius of her table.
8:06pm—What happened to Sting? Did he just finish a chimney sweeping/bomb making shift? Is that the social activist part of him? Colin Farrell's reaction to his appearance on stage was awesome.
8:08pm—Gran Torino is also a song? Written by Clint Eastwood? Bruce Springsteen wins for being Bruce Springsteen, and Miley Cyrus goes to the ladies room to cry, followed by Billy Ray Cyrus.
8:14pm—Wow. Did you see that blackout? Evidenly the cameraman thinks Eva Longoria is overexposed enough as it is. I agree, rogue cameraman.
8:16pm—Best Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or Comedy. Excellent category, HFPA. Tom Wilkinson wins because 5 out of 6 HFPA members recommend him for their Miniseries character role needs.
8:20pm—Laura Dern wins for Best Supporting Actress In Whatever. Good for her, but no more miniseries categories, please.
8:21pm—Renee Zellweger is definitely on a bender.
8:26pm—Don Cheadle would have CRUSHED Fargo. He would have CRUSHED it. If you don't believe him, Joel & Ethan Coen, check out the upcoming Hotel for Dogs.
8:27pm—China is seeing this? Sorry, China.
8:29pm—Best Actor In A TV Drama is…Gabriel Byrne? For real, HFPA? Giving it to Jonathan Rhys-Myers for his "I'm the king of England!" shouting abilities would have been better.
8:32pm—Anna Paquin must have taken a lot of pictures with Yola in order to win best Actress In A TV Drama for True Blood.
8:35pm—I'm instituting a Moet champagne bottle/nominee shot count. Right now, we're at 5, at least.
8:38pm—The Golden Globes should just be Ricky Gervais talking for 20 minutes, with a ticker at the bottom displaying all the winners' names.
8:41pm—Andrew Stanton wins the honor of touching an object that the Jonas Brothers touched.
8:42pm—No bolo tie tonight, Johnny Depp? You're right: save it for the Oscars. Sally Hawkins wins for Happy Go Lucky, which is very surprising considering how much foreign people (and presumably the foreign press) love Mamma Mia!
8:45pm—Is Sally Hawkins going to faint? Faint, Sally! No one will ever forget you if you collapse on stage at the Golden Globes. You'll be like Christine Lahti but better because she was just in the bathroom when her name was called.
8:47pm—"Hollywood's Most A-list party" Calm down, Golden Globes announcer. If you have to keep reminding us of how exclusive and magical the Golden Globes are, then they're obviously not exclusive and magical at all.
8:53pm—Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange are clearly still in character still from Grey Gardens, minus the sweaters worn as headbands.
8:56pm—The award for Best Miniseries is up! Are you tingling with anticipation?
8:58pm—Heath Ledger wins best Supporting Actor. Over Tom Cruise's sweaty, sweaty cameo in Tropic Thunder? But it was like a sorbet! A sorbet, dammit! Somewhere, Toby Young is crying.
9:05pm—Aaaand Tom Brokaw kicks off hour two. That Hollywood Foreign Press Association really knows how to keep people watching.
9:06pm—Colin Farrell can also have a role in my revised Golden Globes ceremony: It'll be Ricky Gervais talking for 25 minutes with the winners' ticker at the bottom of the screen, and a few reaction shots of Colin Farrell laughing derisively at the stupidity of Hollywood.
9:07pm—Waltz With Bashir (Israel) wins for best foreign language film. Unfortunately, the nation of Israel could not be here to accept this award.
9:10pm—Not that it's not great to see Shirley Maclaine sitting at a table clearly drunk, but no more miniseries awards, please. Especially because they're obviously all going to John Adams.
9:17pm—Ben Silverman? You should get out of there before everyone involved in television in that room stones you to death for Howie Do It. On second thought, stay there.
9:20pm—Slumdog Millionaire, the only movie that could make Who Wants To Be A Millionaire even remotely entertaining, wins for best screenplay. Brad Pitt clearly mouthed, "What's this for?" as the writer went up on stage. If it's not a magical 80-year-old in love with an 11-year-old , it doesn't matter does it, Brad?
9:23pm—Aaaand Alec Baldwin picks up his annual award for playing Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock. Where is Tracy Morgan's award for playing Tracy Morgan. In fact, where's Tracy Morgan? Oh wait, there he is: in a white tux!
9:28pm—Renee Zellweger, still clearly on a bender, is dressed like a depressed feather duster.
9:30pm—A kid taking a bath who then gets a towel from a woman. The Reader certainly does look like a powerful film.
9:32pm—Giamatti is out of breath from walking to the stage. Just like the real John Adams would have been, I'm assuming.
9:35pm—30 Rock wins for Best TV Comedy. Considering that 30 Rock and The Office are the only comedies that do what comedies are supposed to do (i.e. be funny) in the category, it had a pretty good chance. Yes! Tracy Morgan is the face of post-racial America!
9:37pm—"Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!" is my new ringtone.
9:44pm—Diddy is definitely not the teleprompter reader of post-racial America.
9:47pm—"As a real estate executive with amnesia, Christina Applegate, Samantha Who" These descriptions aren't doing these shows any favors.
9:49pm—Tina Fey wins. She had all of the Hollywood Foreign Press Action Figures growing up. Yola's comes with a collection of giant plastic flowers and a suitcase full of starfuckery. Also, by telling her to suck it, Tina Fey just made DianeFan's day.
9:55pm—When Scorsese thinks of Steven Spielberg, he thinks of history. Weird. I think about Dawson's Creek, and Dawson's heavy-handed obcession with him. I also think about how Scorsese's eyebrows always look as if they're being manipulated by puppeteers. To each his own, I guess.
10:01pm—I really think it was Spielberg's executive producing of Twister that won him the Lifetime Achievement Award. He produced—on an executive level—the shit out of that movie. How about you?
10:04pm—"Once I saw a movie and I had a train set."—Steven Spielberg.
10:06pm—(except the way he says it takes about fifteen minutes)
10:07pm—Drew Barrymore is grinding her teeth and rocking back and forth with happiness for Spielberg. Wow. More Cracked Out Drew Barrymore reaction shots, please.
10:10pm—I just bought two Cadillacs for the sole purpose of having phone sex with them, and I don't know why.
10:15pm—Guess who's drunk and/or too old to care? Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman!
10:16pm—Danny Boyle wins best director. The guy who played the Indian Regis Philbin was very excited.
10:19pm—"For playing a hippie pot dealer—which must have been a fun role to research, James Franco." Sandra Bullock is channeling mild Bruce Villanch.
10:21pm—Colin Farrell wins for In Bruges. He hates to "wax lyrical," but really anything he says sounds as if he's waxing lyrical. "I have an agent, uh, two agents, and a lawyer" sounded like a song.
10:27pm—"Victoria Beckham hasn't eaten for three weeks." Groanworthy celebrity recession jokes, two for a dollar, from Sasha Baron Cohen. Wait a minute, was Bruce Villanch really Sasha Baron Cohen in disguise the whole time?
10:32pm—Vicky Christina Barcelona wins for Best Musical Or Comedy. Somehow this show isn't over yet.
10:33pm—"Tommorow's headlines will be made tonight as all these famous people celebrate." Jesus, Golden Globes announcer. We're already watching the show. The hard sell is really unnecessary. Why not just: "You won't believe the celebrities that are contained in this one room. It's fucking insane! They'll probably start a new government, society, and way of life RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. You literally can't miss it!"
10:38pm—When they bring out Cameron Diaz and Mark Wahlberg, this has been going on for way too long.
10:39pm—Kate Winslet wins again for Best Actress. She's the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's favorite! "I'm sorry Anne and Meryl and Kristin, and, Oh God, who's the other one?!" Ha! Zing! Take that, Angelina "I want MY son!" Jolie.
10:44pm—Mad Men wins for best TV Drama. Always weird to see them in modern-day clothes and without the grey pallor of 1960s ennui on their faces.
10:50pm—Sit down everyone so we can get this over with.
10:51pm—Mickey Rourke wins for The Wrestler, as we all knew he would/should. He wore his sequin scarf and special occasion loafers just for the occasion. Only Mickey Rourke can describe people as "cats" without sounding totally ridiculous.
10:54pm—Another commercial? We don't have time for a commercial. Stop dragging this out, L'Oreal and Cadillac.
10:58pm—Aaand Slumdog Millionaire wins for Best Drama. Whew. The best way for this show to end is with a Bollywood dance number and (fingers crossed) a reaction shot of Cracked Out Drew Barrymore.
11:02pm—Okay, nevermind, the best way it could end is with a blanked out "FUCK!" And so it did. (Why? It was written.) And then another preview for Celebrity Apprentice. Hopefully Ben Silverman won't make it out of the Golden Globes theater alive.