When Celebrity Sex Tapes Lie

A while back, I outlined the many reasons why a rumor about the existence a Dustin Diamond sex tape was probably false.

As we all know by now, I was wrong–horribly, horribly wrong–and that post must have been my brain's attempt to shield itself from the corrosive effects of imagining the various elements of a Screech Dirty Sanchez.

But even though the tape turned out to be all too real, today the NY Daily News reports that it could also be a fake. What? Yes. According to the paper that started the sex tape rumor that all of humanity wanted to believe was false:

Ever since we broke the news that the former "Saved by the Bell" nerd had a video romp with two women, Diamond has claimed he was shocked – shocked! – that the tape had found its way to the Internet.

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Diamond has said the video was a private reel he'd made four years ago on a dare from some poker buddies. "We tried to stop it," Diamond said recently on "The Dr. Keith Ablow Show."

But Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who brokered the deal with Red Light District Video, says he's tired of Diamond's "charade" – and tired of getting dissed by him on TV.

"Dustin was in on this deal from the start," Schmidt tells us. "He made this tape in a St. Louis hotel room with two girls last summer with the intention that I would sell it."

Schmidt showed us what he vouches is Diamond's signature on a contract dated Aug. 27, 2006. Attached is a cover letter on which Diamond's manager, Roger Paul, appears to have scribbled, "Let's make some money!"

Wait just a minute, Daily News. You mean to tell me that an "unauthorized" sex tape featuring a desperately out-of-work child TV star in his most intimate, Dirty-Sanchez-filled moments with two strangers was shot and released by that TV star on purpose? I am shocked – shocked! –by the suggestion that there is anything untoward about Screeched and its many contrived sex acts.

I mean, if we can't trust has-been actors from Saved By The Bell to make private pornographic videos in St. Louis hotel rooms that somehow fall into the wrong hands, whom can we trust?

Schmidt suspects Diamond has been doubly deceptive.

"I have reason to believe that is not Dustin's [manhood] in the movie," says the agent.

"You never see his face and his [manhood] in the same shot. If, in fact, he used a body double, I'm going to sue him for defrauding me, Red Light and the American public."

Wow. Ok, evidently, we can trust professional pornographers–that special brand of American who bravely fight to insure that every disgusting depiction of sheer tastelessness advertised as involving Dustin Diamond's "manhood" does, in fact, involve Dustin Diamond's manhood.

Schmidt's quest for the truth behind Screech's Dirty Sanchez is nothing short of patriotic. The American public deserves to wallow in humanity-crushing celebrity sex tapes that are, at least, properly labeled.

If nothing else, it makes it easier to be grossed out by them.