If you watched the Today show this morning, or if you've been aware of your surroundings at all for the past three days, you probably know that there is some type of scandal involving noted TV dancer and depression alleviator Ellen DeGeneres and a small dog of some kind.
But with all the videos, and death threats, and tears, and names, and impassioned victim statements from daughters of hairdressers, you're probably a little confused (or bored, maybe both).
So I've put together this handy guide to some of the key players in order to help you navigate through the fog of controversy that is the Ellen Dog Scandal.
Television: Magical glowing cube that houses many of our heroes.
Ellen: Lady who lives inside the magical glowing cube. She's usually happy, as indicated by her love of dancing and comfortable shoes.
Ellen's Hairdresser: The person who maintains Ellen's coiffure, or "dresses" her "hair." This person will also accept any and all of Ellen's cast-offs, including dogs.
Dog: Adorable thing that people freak out about, and occasionally dress up like pumpkins. Fun Fact: There are more pictures of dogs in stupid outfits than there are of anything else in the world!
Iggy: Small dog that Ellen adopted for a while, then gave to Ellen's Hairdresser. He lived with Ellen's Hairdresser for a while (where he promptly forgot about Ellen), before being reclaimed by Mutts & Moms (where he probably promptly forgot about Ellen's Hairdresser).
Mutts & Moms: Dog adoption agency that thinks it's as important as a people adoption agency. Mutts & Moms is also a very good example of why you shouldn't give your business a cutesy name. (Because what if you cross a TV star and your name suddenly has all the cutesy ferociously dragged out of it?) They are somehow impervious to Ellen's television power.
Tears: Salty water that Ellen expells from her eyes when she is sad. Interestingly, the sight of this water fills Ellen's viewers with a murderous rage.
Death Threats: Things that Ellen's viewers make to Mutts & Moms in order to make the tears stop, and the joyful, joyful dancing return.