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A new Fifty Shades book means more profoundly unsexy excerpts

There is nothing sexier than returning raw chicken to the fridge before fucking on the kitchen floor (Photo: Deb Lindsey For The Washington Post via Getty Images).

Rev up your engines and lock up the children, everyone: There’s a new erotic masterpiece on the way from E.L. James and it contains just about the hottest text this side of a 1997 cybersex chatroom.

Buzzfeed UK’s Scott Bryan has highlighted key passages from the deeply necessary new entry to James’ epic story, Darker: Fifty Shades Darker As Told By Christian, and one portion in particular has ignited Twitter’s filthy, filthy imagination.


The responses to this show that Twitter users, awed by the sheer sexual power of this food-safety obsessed erotica, can only cope with how uncomfortably aroused reading the steamy prose makes them by cracking jokes.


None of these simple-minded tweets can distract from the animalistic power of James’ prose, which includes such thunderously sexy prose (“My cock approves big-time”) that even John Cleland would blush to recite it.


Bryan goes on to highlight the pillow talk that follows what we can only imagine is a tastefully described sex scene, too, revealing that not only is Christian Grey the master of his bedroom, but the art of the pun as well.


We’re all going to need a shower after this one. A Coldshower, perhaps, “because it’s the most apt.”

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About the author

Reid McCarter

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.