Alex Jones brags about his sexual prowess, presents chart on how to be a “real man”

By Sam Barsanti | April 24, 2017 | 11:22pm

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Alex Jones’ competence as a father is currently being questioned in a custody trial against his ex-wife, but there’s one thing about him that nobody has ever questioned: his status as a heartless creep who would spit on a child’s grave if it meant convincing someone, anyone, to pay attention to him. If you were to ask Jones himself, though, he’d say that the most important thing about him is that—unlike most of the population—he’s a real man. Not one of those coddled, participation trophy-winning fake men that society is trying to pass off these days, but a real man who is really smart and really good at sex.

Over the weekend, Jones decided to share some details in a new video about what it means to be a real man and how he got there, and it all culminated in stick figure-based chart that is so unintelligible that it deserves a place in the unhinged narcissist hall of fame. Actually, Jones didn’t set out to make a video about what it means to be a man, he really intended to make a video clarifying his theory that Sandy Hook was a hoax and that no children were actually murdered that day, but he naturally got sidetracked into a discussion about how impressively virile he is. It sure is weird how a guy ostensibly talking about Sandy Hook could get on the subject of his sex life, but that’s just the sort of thing that happens when you’re a real man like Alex Jones.

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Anyway, the aforementioned chart only takes up a few minutes of the hour-long video, but it truly is a masterpiece. Before we try to explain it, let’s just bask in its glory:

Clearly, the beginning and end points represent the health of a man’s brain, which gets stronger as a man gets older but dips back down when a man gets too old. The numbers over the figures’ heads represent ages, with 12/13/14 being the ages when most societies (“it wasn’t just the Jews,” as he puts it) allow a young person to decide if they’re ready to become a man. At 16, they’re kicked out of the house. At 35, they act like they’re 16 and decide to have kids, which is something that he says should happen when a man is 16. Because liberals and lizard people have destroyed manhood for our modern society, though, most people don’t mature to age 35/16 until they’re 40, at which point all women are apparently barren. So even though the chart doesn’t reflect this information, age 35 is when someone is at their “peak, peak, peak, peak, peak, peak, peak.” (Yes, he said it a bunch of times for some reason.)

However, as the perfect man, Jones exists outside of this chart. As he says in the video, he had slept with “probably 150 women” by the time he was 16. He had also “been in fights with full-grown men” and was “already dating college girls,” so by his own metrics, he was “already a man.” Since then, he has only become more perfect:

At 21, I was a leader. At 21, I had a radio show on one of the biggest stations in town, and by 22 I had top ratings. By 23, I was syndicated. By 24, I had my son. I had the beginnings of a media empire that was reaching millions of people and everybody couldn’t believe it.

There’s an interesting wrinkle there, though: If Jones had a son at 24, that would make the kid 18 or 19 now, and as My Statesman points out, he’s never publicly acknowledged having a son that old before. It could be a lie to pad out his “character,” but the fact that he personally referenced the existence of this person nobody seems to know about is very odd given the statement he released on Friday about how he wanted the press to stay out of his custody trial due to it being “a private matter.” In fact, if one didn’t know any better, it would almost be like Jones is willing to say or do whatever he can to prove a point, even if it directly contradicts something he just said or did.

But how does any of this tie in to his rotten bullshit about Sandy Hook being a hoax? Essentially, it doesn’t. Going off of My Statesman’s thorough transcript, it basically sounds like he was using the chart to establish how perfect he and his listeners are, so when he says that no children died at Sandy Hook, he’s not trying to cause emotional distress for any of the parents who lost their kids, he’s simply exercising his beautiful, brilliant mind. Naturally, he’s far too much of a coward to straight-up say he believes in the hoax, but he absolutely wants his listeners to believe it. After all, if he convinces them they’re smart for trusting the things he says, they’ll keep listening to his show and paying attention to him. Apparently, that’s all a real man wants, even if he has to stand on the graves of murdered children to get it.