Star Wars fans have had nearly two months to watch, re-watch, ponder, and puzzle over The Force Awakens. So what have they come up with as far as valuable insights into the film’s true meaning or clues as to the future of the entire saga? As a new video from Mashable demonstrates, not a whole heck of a lot. Created by Onion veteran David Sidorov, the video takes the form of a deeply nerdy and just as deeply delusional presentation by a young man named Kyle, described as “our resident film theorist,” who sincerely believes that the secrets of The Force Awakens can be laid bare by simply decoding some anagrams hidden in the film’s title and in the names of its principal characters. The letters contained within The Force Awakens, for instance, can be rearranged to spell “fake cheaters won.” Kyle then goes on to speculate about the possible identity of these sketchy-sounding “fake cheaters.” His conclusion is less than satisfying: “Are they Rebels? The Jedi? The theories are endless, and it’s possible we’ll never know.”
Character names come under scrutiny as well here. Here, Kyle has a bombshell when it comes to some of the popular new Star Wars characters. The letters in “Poe Dameron Finn The Force Awakens” can be rearranged to spell “New Anakin, He Podraces For Me Often.” For anyone trying to suppress memories of The Phantom Menace, this is disturbing and unwelcome news indeed. Die-hard Star Wars fans are also apt to be upset when they hear Kyle’s thoughts on a mysterious villain from The Force Awakens. Sadly, he scrambles the question “Who is Supreme Leader Snoke?” and comes up with a potentially horrifying answer: “Rise! He’s an Ewok supermodel.” So, in conclusion, the Star Wars saga will continue to repeat its past mistakes by returning to ideas and characters that fans hated the most. Mysteriously, Kyle has yet to find a coded reference to Jar Jar Binks in The Force Awakens, but it can only be a matter of time.